Again, what to say...

I recently found out that Cliff was transferring to Gitmo in March and the plan was supposed to have been the boys were moving to Texas. Then came the huffing incident and the plans were supposed to be that the boys moved home with me (where they belong!) Because they have no home phone, I have been unable to communicate with any of them unless they happen to be online or are willing to respond to my emails, which they are now all apparently blocking or simply deleting unready. I have been kicked to the curb once and for all and I am no longer allowed to apparently be part of their lives.

Today I received a very long email from Cliff that they have decided that Cliff will go to Gitmo (Guantanamo Bay, Cuba) in March and the boys will move in with friends to finish out the school year and apparently hang out in Japan until THEY decide what they all want to do. To say that I am fighting tears and barely breathing is an understatement. My first inclination was to get very angry. So, I sent Cliff a reply asking him how long he had known about this and failed to tell me he was leaving the boys with friends in Japan. My next thought was of suicide. How much more can I take? Apparently not much, when it comes to my kids. My other thoughts were to call my congressman, call the base commander and to simply walk away from the entire lot of them.

I have always known Cliff was an idiot, but apparently my boys have been changed. They are no longer the wonderful human beings I raised.

The plastic surgeon said smoking might cause my nipples to fall off and they look like shit right now. Seems a small price to pay.

I must say...

Since my needle biopsy on November 6, 2008, I have been in some stage of OW or healing. It seems that no sooner do I feel better about the last procedure, it is time to start another. (TMI WARNING) My nips still look like roadkill and we aren't sure they will make it. That said, I must say that I am looking forward to the point where this is all just over. I have no clue what to expect from radiation but it is not likely to be much worse then what has happened to me previously. I no longer care what size my tits are, I just wanna lose the bandages and be able to sleep on my sides again :-(

New bras

Well, let's just say it was weird as all hell buying new bras in the real people section. They say the swelling won't go down for another few months, but if the boobs shrink any more, not much left will be an over statement :-(

This is proof that one must be careful what they wish for!

Back at work!

Yes, I am back at work today. It feels like I never left. I had not called to confirm I was still needed, I just showed up, asked for work and started back in. They finally have all their crap together so it looks like this project may go another month or two. Either way, it will suck to be me on Friday when I do NOT get a check, but the check that comes the week after will be sweet relief in time for rent.

As it stands, it appears that both boys may be moving to Chicago. Not a single peep from Cliff but Ian's emails tend to indicate they are looking at Senn HS. I have not had time to look into magnet schools and will start that process this week. I have to tell you, the three years off from being a mom were nice, but I miss them like crazy and will be happy to have one or both home where they belong!

Ok, it wasn't just the tape.

The giant clear tape that covered everything is now off, leaving only the steristrips on the actual incisions and the nip caps. Apparently, it was the clear tape that was keeping the bandages moist enough to move. Shortly after the tape was removed, the remaining strips began to solidify, for lack of a better word, and it formed almost a solid structure under the boobs, or what is left of them.

Apparently, there is not much left. I am not realllllly complaining, but it is with a somewhat heavy heart that I say farewell to having a nice rack. I will simply have to get used to having little girls. BTW, the new boobs make me look fat!

What to say...

I am sitting at my mother's house and today is the day that I follow up with the plastic surgeon. For anyone who does not live in Chicago or has not looked outside, my mother's only comment today was, "The next time you have surgery, could we schedule it in the summer? I do great driving in the summer." I could not agree more heartily. Fortunately, my appointment is at the VA hospital where there is nothing even close to an actual "time of appointment" to worry about. When going to the VA, know they have a cafeteria and bring a book. I am looking forward to losing the tape. I SWEAR it is not the parts that were sliced that hurt, it is the mass quantity of skin under tape that is driving me insane. Rick says it must be like having a cast off so you can just scratch the itch for real. I have never had a cast, but I trust it must be very similar.

Last night I received a call from Cliff in Japan. He had called me to say that he had found Michael passed out and unresponsive in his room having apparently inhaled the can of Dust Off used to clean the computers. Cliff was able to perform emergency procedures to revive him and when they had called last night, Michael had been discharged from the hospital. It appears he will be ok, so long as his father does not kill him. Needless to say, it took a while for my heart to start beating again and Michael will be moving home this spring. What can I say?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! New tits!

Yes folks, I am home from the hospital. The surgeon told Amy it was NOT a truck that hit me, it was a train. The surprising part of this whole thing is that when I woke up, it was not the pain in my chest that was bothering me so much as it was the pain in my arms. Apparently, because they kept my arms taped out for hours while laying on the table, it felt like I had spent hours doing pull-ups. Amy has been kind enough to massage the knots out of my arms so I can actually use them. The other part of my body causing great discomfort was the heels of my feet. My theory is that they dragged me to the operating room by the arms while dragging my heels. Just a theory mind you, nothing on tape.

...and a wake-up

As it stands, I am back on for tomorrow morning, AGAIN. I have been to Loyola and the plastic surgeon drew his little road maps, AGAIN. I will plan to be in recovery by this time tomorrow, AGAIN.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but this ship has been set to launch for almost 3 weeks now.

Because it just had to happen that way

When the girl next to me ate a very nice smelling soup for lunch I decided to take myself to Potbelly for lunch for a bowl of soup and a salad. After waiting in a realllllly long line, they had made the wrong salad. If I wasn't "allergic" to pepperoni, I would have just eaten the damned thing. So, after another 10 minute wait, I got my salad (for free) and a small bowl of chili. I have to be honest, I would have rather paid to get it right the first time!

Yes, really.....(very heavy sigh)

So, after being awoken at 6:30ish to be told my surgery was cancelled, I decided to post an update on the blog, send a few emails and then head to work. I took the Red Line to Jackson and proceeded to head to the Blue Line station to get off at Clinton. Just minutes before I arrived, apparently a train had struck a passenger IN the Jackson station so the Southbound trains were stopped. I was able to get out of the station and decided to just start walking the 8(?) blocks to work. Leaving the station I was hit with a blast of snow filled almost gale force winds. Any wonder why I stopped for a bar of really good chocolate on my way to work? Walgreens had exactly one dark chocolate with almond bar left on sale from $3.99 to $1.49. It was nice, but I still think my day realllllllllllllly sucks.

AGAIN!!! REALLY??? F ME!

Nothing like that 6:30 am wake up call telling you that surgery has been cancelled due to problems in the building. Something about no hot water. WHATEVER! Surgeon called me next to say they might try this again on Friday. For some reason, I have stopped holding my damned breath!

A wake up and a chuckle

In the Navy, we use to count down the days or hours and the last day was always, "...and a wake up." So, where I previously posted 96, it should probably have said 72 and a wake up. Now, there is nothing but the wake up left. This time tomorrow, I will be under the gown and wearing a smile, at least until the meds wear off...LOL

The chuckle is that this time they won't have to keep asking me if I know which boob they are cutting on. The last time, they kept asking me even AFTER I had a wire sticking out of the left one and a dixie cup taped over the wire end. Oh yeah, and 3 doctors' initials.....not that they were that obvious or anything....LOL

96 hours and counting

In less then 96 hours I will be at the VA and naked under the gown. WOOHOO, gotta love the thought of surgery at the VA hospital.

That said, I have to say that lately I have been feeling more alone then I have in years. While I have my small circle of people checking up on me on an almost daily basis, those who I thought of as friends seemed to have simply vanished. I was able to have dinner last night with my roommate's mother, who is a 3 time survivor of breast cancer. She gave me wonderful words of encouragement and said that it was the most frustrating time of her life. She was completely saddened by the thought that my mother may have simply walked away at a time I probably needed her most. She said that if it were her daughter, she would have to be handcuffed and dragged away. I simply acknowledge again that everyone deals with hard times in different ways and I guess my mom simply can't handle this one.

I have to say, it saddens me that I have heard nothing from the gals in St. Louis and very little if anything from other friends. At least I can still smile at my memories of the good ole times and simply move forward in my life.

So, following a wise woman's advice, I will cut out all negative thoughts, think only good things and keep in mind that if I lose the hair on my head to chemo......it ALL goes, so no shaving anything for a few months WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!