Back to work!

I am back to work for this week, but not a clue on the planet as to whether or not I will still be employed next week. I am taking it one day at a time! I do not mind working and a new project means the brain has to actually engage in the thinking process.

I am putting this out there...all I want for my upcoming bday is a copy of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julie Child. I would prefer a hardcover and would not mind a used one.

Tis the season

I am loving having Ian home with me for a few days. This week he is staying at my sister's in Downers Grove and visiting his friends in Naperville. DG is much closer to Narnia then Edgewater and Mark has a huge TV and gaming system. Yeah, it was a tough call being forced to stay with Mark and Jean. Ian was a bit shocked by my appearance, but says I look pretty good for having battled breast cancer. His being here reminds me that I am grateful for my family and friends and also reminds me that I had to have done something right to have raised such a good kid.

OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

After hitting the post office hard, I stopped by a few places to pick up a few things for the holidays. One of my stops was to the Card Party Outlet to pick up a gift bag for a bottle of wine. The price was $.99 and it was on sale 20% off. After he rung me up he took a further discount making the purchase a grand total of $.74 cents with tax. Go me, right? It was as I was leaving that I noticed a small sign by the register stating it was senior citizens discount day. When I got home I looked at my receipt. Oh yes he did! REALLY???!???

Hot flashes and a warm cat

That is how you survive a winter night in Chicago when the heat goes off! The building had boiler issues last night and it was chilly in my apartment. I took a hot shower and wore flannel jammies to bed and the inside temp was 57 deg. when I went to bed at 10. I was even a bit chilly during the hot flashes, but they served to warm me up. The heat was back on by the time I got up this morning and I awoke to find Miss Kitty wrapped around the radiator in my room, which apparently gets warm just at the base. I don't turn the radiator in my room on ever because the rest of the apartment is usually warm enough to keep the frost at bay and I like it a bit chilly.

My hands and feet seem to have returned to the numb and tingly phase I thought I was over, but it might just be the holiday workout they received for baking a gianormous amount of holiday baked goods!

My eyebrows

I must start off this post by saying it is nice to have hair again. My head is not as cold as it was while I was bald. I had hoped against hope it would come in the beautiful red color I had paid dearly for, but alas, it came back as grey as it was before. The weird thing is that it started out completely silver and it has changed to more of a grey color. Additionally, it seems there are more dark hairs in there then before and the pepper/salt ratio appears to be increasing, albeit slightly.

That said, my eyebrows have grown back as well. They are much lighter then they used to be, but it beats being bald and eyebrowless. The first hairs to grow back were actually the few black hairs on my chin. (Not even close to a TMI!) Now I appear to have a few black hairs growing in my eyebrows. It is almost noticeable in the mirror (as opposed to viewing through a magnification mirror in my hand) and I must say it is a little off puttng. I am glad to have hair for the winter, so we shall just have to see where it all winds up.

My toenails (TMI alert)

My fingernails are grown out enough to get a manicure, but my nails have always been crappy so it is almost a waste of money and I never seem to have 10 longish nails at the same time.

My toenails are not grown out enough to get a pedicure yet and MAN OH MAN I could use a pedicure. I know, wants and needs, but I realllllllllly need a pedicure.

I sit corrected.

In further reading, I came to realize that my blood pressure meds do not tend to effect my cholesterol, but rather, tend to elevate the blood sugar levels. So, as it stands, my anti-hormones are likely causing my cholesterol to spike and my blood pressure meds likely effect my blood sugar levels. So it begs the question, which is worse the disease or the cure?

I did not know...

On Monday, Dr. Murdock, my GP, took one look at my bloodwork and had a cow. My white and hemoglobin are within "normal" range, although my hemoglobin went down again, but my cholesteral was through the roof. It has always been a bit high, but this was off the charts. I received a 20 minute lecture on not eating right, during which time I swore up and down my diet had not changed and I was back on fruits and veggies. I went home questioning every bite I ate over the past 6 months.

Yesterday, in a weird twist of fate, I stumbled across an article which said that estrogen is, in part, responsible for regulating cholestral in women and that women in prime fertility years tend to have the lowest cholestral ratings in women. When the estrogen goes down, as in menopause or anti-hormone therapy, the cholesteral levels tend to shoot up. Also, my blood pressure meds may be contributing to it as well. Who knew???

Happy day after!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving day feast that couldn't be beat! I hosted roomie and friends for supper so we had one turkey, one Rowandan, one Muslim, two Americans and one Pole. It was wonderful. Now to consume all the leftovers. I have to say I was extremely grateful for the all of the support I received from family and friends this year and glad to be finished with all my treatments.

For the holidays this year I will officially be backing stolen, fruit cake and fudge. For the locals, if there is something you reallllly want me to make, I will take small requests for special items. So, mom, dad, Amy, Robert, Jean, Mark, unborn fetus, etc.....ask away! I will only be shipping fruitcake, fudge and stolen to NM and VA, you know who you are, so if anyone else wants some, send cash for postage....LOL

I go in for my annual physical Monday and for follow-up blood work. Dr. B was concerned about my white count. I will post an update when I have any news to post.

How could I forget??

I am not employed and still up in the air on unemployment, I have a roommate, and I am wondering how I could forget to mention that I am now a member of the Board of Directors for the Evanston Festival Theatre! They produce the Custer St. Fair and run both the Piccolo Theatre and the Main Street Arts Depot in Evanston. I love volunteering for such a great cause!

Heading into the holidays...

Well, things are beginning to settle down. I may have a roommate this weekend, and I may or may not be working again on Monday. I am just waiting to hear back from the temp agency. The legal world always slows down for the winter holidays so if I don't get something going now, I may be out of luck. I have exhausted my unemployment benefits but I was working for a bit before my extension was granted or denied. We shall see.

Ian is coming home for Christmas and Michael has chosen to stay put. Apparently Ian convinced him it was his turn so Michael couldn't come. I made the offer, but this is the last time I will get to spend quality time with Ian before he graduates and goes off to bootcamp. DO NOT even get me started on thinking about the fact my baby has joined the Army!

Child support has been set. Basically for the next year and a half, he gets his retirement money back plus a bit more. It is what it is.

My scar, I know, which one?

The scar on my chest from where they yanked out the port (formerly known as the sucking chest wound) is hurting like an SOB. For a while, it was down to a very dull roar and at times it still itches like crazy. But, for some reason, it has decided to really start hurting again. Oh well, this too shall pass and if it is my only complaint, I am lucky!

I've been shot...twice

Pursuant to orders from Dr. B, I have now had both an annual flu shot and the H1N1 shot. Apparently I fall into one of the "at risk" categories.

Princess and the pea...again

Just like when I was undergoing chemo, my body hurts most days. A large part of it has to do with sitting or laying down for extended periods of time. Working, even little bits here and there, seems to help, but at the end of the day I am wiped out. It is very hard to get to sleep when my body is screaming at me and I can feel the label on the inside of my pajama bottoms pressing into my back. Like I said, moving around and walking around helps and it seems to get a bit better. I am glad for the sleeping pills because they allow me to achieve deep sleep and I seem to be back to rolling from side to side during sleep. This helps keep the pressure more even and off of one particular spot (read left hip). I am still amazed at the number of folks who seem to love the new hair.

The hair

I am totally amazed at the number of people who stop me to compliment me on my hair! I am not saying I think it looks bad, but really? When they ask me who does my hair or who cut my hair I explain it is hair by chemo. I wonder how long I can use this excuse to keep it realllllly short? So far, it is not really long enough to do anything with so the options are very limited. I am dead broke as well so hair cuts and coloring are not an option. What can I say, just riding that gravy train.

Ok, here's the deal...

The leaves are turning, the air is becoming more brisk, we are digging into our closets to find our gloves and winter hats, so it is safe to say it is that time of year again. The time when thoughts turn to stuffed birds, lighted trees, decking the halls, giving crap we can't afford to people we barely care about, but I digress.

I was thinking about Christmas cookies. I have all the candied fruit to make my usual batches of baked pieces of joy, but then it dawned on me, I don't have all the rest of the stuff. For those of you who are fans, and you know who you are, the deal is that I cannot afford to do any holiday baking this year. It isn't just the candied fruit, it is the 15 pounds of butter, 5 pounds of nuts, 4 dozen eggs, 20 pounds of sugar, you get the idea. Add to that the $30 or so I spend on containers and the $150+ I spend on postage, you can see that it is just not a doable thing this year.

So, unless someone wants to donate the $250+ to make holiday baking happen, it isn't going to happen. I am thinking I may try the stolen and fruit cake, but with the exception of one very special person, it won't be mailed anywhere and instead will be delivered to local friends only. Did I mention that when the computer crashed it took with it my master cookie list, master list of necessary ingredients and the mailing list/addresses? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing the holiday baking. I enjoy knowing that people are happy to see the boxes arrive in the mail. I will miss having a "normal" Christmas this year, but with the downturn of the economy comes the sad realization that grasshopper squares from Catherine may be a thing of the past. Just another reason to hate on the Bush administration!

Shot myself in the foot, so to speak!

I was called into work at the last minute Friday. I worked 3 hours Friday, 8.5 hours Saturday and 6.75 Sunday. Because unemployment runs through Saturday, I may have made just enough to disqualify myself for TWO weeks of unemployment with the extra money the state gives me to make child support payments. I crunched the numbers and it seems that working this weekend likely cost me $500. It will likely mess up unemployment payments for two whole weeks and I will have to likely go online and reapply. What can I say, it was worth it to get back in the saddle and it reminds me of the need to get a "real" job.

Almost forgot, tis' the season!

Let the fun and games begin! It is like deja vu all over again! It is that time of year and who can forget how much fun we had last year at this time! Dead bird and dead tree season are upon us. Tis' the season to suck it up and spend time with our "loved ones". I am looking forward to actually experiencing the holidays this year as last year was kinda a bust, to say the least. I would LOVE to host and cook the whole dead bird meal, but I am not up to putting myself in the middle of the who eats where and with whom debate that must now start. All I know is that I am glad that my ex got his family in the divorce and because I live alone in the city, I can choose to do whatever I want this year.

Stuff and hairy arm pits

I can honestly say the ONLY thing I miss about the chemo was no shaving. I know, TMI! The funny thing is that when I actually looked in the mirror yesterday I realized that the patch of hair under the armpit on the side that underwent radiation is about the size of a golf ball, while the other side is 3 times as long and wide. It is like that armpit now extends down to my bra line. It also made me realize they had stretched the skin down when they did the reduction, but it is just another weird thing.

I now have a pan of lasagna in the freezer and it seems to have been done just in time. It is now 12:46pm and as of 10:45 they had changed the start time of my new project to 3:00pm today. Fortunately, Nikka (who lives next door) is working as well so we can ride in together. Misery loves it some company! I am not complaining that they keep changing the date and time, but the emotional yo-yo crap is tough on the spirit. Again, it is not confirmed but I may or may not be working for one weekend, this weekend, project to end on Sunday...who knows?!? All I do know is that will likely screw up my unemployment and I will wind up making less.

All the news...

Yesterday was a visit with Dr. B, who says I seem to be doing well, but she is concerned that my white count was down a bit since my last blood work, last month. It is still "normal", but it went down so she is scratching her head. Dr. B also confirmed what Becky's mom said about being "tired" or bone weary for months following radiation. I feel like I did at the end of chemo, but only at night. I don't seem to feel as tired during the day, but the minute my ass hits the couch after dinner, I am toast. This, like shingles, could go on for almost a year after radiation. Like I said, the good thing is I seem to be ok while I am moving, but just crash at the end of the day.

I went to the dentist today and they put an actual filling into the root canal tooth after finishing (?) the root canal?? They just seemed to keep drilling on it and I think this was their fourth or fifth go at it. Either way, it was deemed "finished" and I was told to get a crown. Between the intake work and the crown, it should cost me about $650 at the UIC dental school. That is on my list of shit to do after the paychecks start coming again.

Roommate issue is still up in the air and I re posted the ad. I have 2 possible people coming to look at the place in the next 2 days and we shall just have to see. Tomorrow is the radiologist and then I am done until I seem my regular doc next month for my annual physical.

Of course...

the potential roomie was told that they had yet to conduct a background check so it would be another week before they could let her know if they could even offer her the job. So, that means I have to hit the ground running again and start posting my ad. It would have been too nice and too easy so of course it won't work...LOL

I have had 2 calls about the cedar chest but no takers so far. I plan to get pictures and ads of the buffet and china cabinet up along with a few other pieces. Might as well plan for the worst and hope for the best. If I do have to leave in a hurry, might as well lighten the load. I have to go through all my closets and bring my suits to the resale shop. Most of my good clothes no longer fit and because the reduction was sooooo radical, taking them in is not an option.

It ain't over yet...

This week I revisit my old friends the oncologist and the radiologist...oh yeah, and the dentist. I should be fine but it will be nice to hear the blood work is all normal. I should find out this afternoon whether or not I have a roommate. She is at her interview as we speak and my hopes and prayers are with her. Her getting a job would help both of us. I have now officially scaled back the resume to bare bones, such as only listing the BA, with the understanding that I am willing to do just about anything and everything else is irrelevant. I do not need a fancy degree to answer phones and do filing...LOL

So, bbq beef is in the freezer and the next project is lasagna. I am thinking I will only put spinach in it and not zucchini because the zucchini may not freeze as well. I will make a small batch with and freeze it as a test run.

Food obsessed

Now that I can taste things and my teeth are temporarily fixed enough to eat carefully, I find myself obsessed with eating and with food. I don't eat to just stuff my face, but any small craving I get becomes a cooking and eating adventure. I picked apples at a local park and turned them into caramel apple cheesecake. Mere mention of bbq beef at mom's for dinner sent me flying for the cheap pot roasts that make for great bbq beef. (The double batch I made is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to pull out the fat and bones!) Thoughts of spinach/zucchini lasagna dance through my head. I am using the hell out of the freezer out back to freeze up individual portions or dinner party portions of everything so I won't have to cook when I go back to work. Note, I did not say "IF" I go back to work :-)

Yesterday I met with the director for the Evanston Piccolo Theater and it seems I might become a member of the board. He took me for lunch at an exquisite Italian bistro where I ordered a salad. Roasted red peppers, marinated fresh mushrooms, and just a small sprinkle of the most amazing and buttery goat cheese I have ever had. What made it perfect was the cappuccino at the end. Starbucks has NOTHING on a real cappuccino served in a real Italian restaurant.

I am planning a trip today to the farmers market in Evanston for some of the last of the season harvest. I do not think I have eaten enough real tomatoes to make up for the first half of the summer where I could not taste them.

I know you like me enough...

to say I am a great person who does great things if anyone calls looking for a reference. Please ask them what position it is for because I am applying to everything from legal assistant or administrative assistant to attorney. I have taken the JD and MBA off all of the non-attorney resumes as it throws up a huge red flag. I don't want to necessarily explain in my cover letter that I am now over breast cancer and desperate for a job. I figure I can save that for the face-to-face interview :-) I am not lying to anyone, I am just cutting back to the bare bones. By my calculations I have about another month of unemployment and then I am being cut lose. All is fair in love and job hunting! For the record, I try to make it a habit to shoot a quick email to anyone I might use as a reference so they are not blindsided out of left field.

I have decided to stay

I am staying put for now, which does not preclude eviction, because I just am not up to moving. I went ahead and bit the bullet and paid my October rent. I do not have a job lined up and I do not have a roommate, but what I do have is faith that everything will work out in the end. Cliff is fighting the retirement issue, in that he forwarded a copy of the most recent order saying the money was to be put into a trust account for the boys and I, so when the order is ruled on next month he will wind up owing me a huge chunk of change. I may be postponing the inevitable, as to the eviction issue, but I feel ok about it.

Someone asked me the other day if I would rather have a great job or a great love life. Without even blinking an eye I answered that I would rather have a career! I am now focused on getting that started and the heck with all the rest.

But do you love me enough...

to help me move? It has been STRONGLY recommended that I consider just up and moving on Oct. 1. I should use my October rent payment as a deposit and first month's rent on a new place in the $600/month range. Of course, the person who is strongly suggesting this has no plans to help me physically move, just offered to drive me around town to view apartments. I am being told I am stubborn and too attached to my shit to stay put in an apartment I cannot afford to live in while I am unemployed and don't have a roommate. I agree. I also find the whole idea of packing, selling, moving, even half my shit, to be overwhelming and exhausting in nature. I would have LOVED to move Sept. 1 so as to never have to worry about the roommate issue again, but as most recall, I was in the nursing home for weeks before the first, making apartment hunting and moving a REALLY hard option.

Although I am not too worried about the landlord coming after me, I worry about getting approved to move into a new place. It is my understanding and experience that being unemployed and broke is the last thing a landlord wants to see on the application. There are some places that will let you move in with a non-refundable fee and no deposit, no application fee, but that still doesn't deal with the physical move itself. The cost of moving is never cheap and I have JUST ENOUGH to pay the rent and deposit with not a dime extra to pay for a moving van, let alone the movers to move my shit. It has been suggested I just pack my necessary stuff and move whatever my friends will help me move, and abandon the rest.

I understand that by staying I am simply putting off a possible eviction if I don't get a job AND a roommate, but is moving really, truly, honestly an option? Am I being stupid to stay? Does anyone love me enough to want to really move me in a week or three? Really? I am asking for feedback. The mere thought of all this makes me want to cry but I hate being broke in a place I cannot afford and only rented because I thought the boys were moving home. I love this place, but I am totally realistic in knowing that it won't get better by just postponing the possible inevitable.

The little head

Last week I felt an itch on my back. It is in the middle of my back and I was unable to reach it no matter how I stretched. When I looked in the mirror I noticed something resembling a pimple on my back. Needless to say, it is now huge. I would say it was the size of a second human head, but I would be only slightly exaggerating. It is the size of a quarter and it hurts like all hell. I had the nurse at the VA look at it yesterday and she confirmed it was just a pimple run amok and not a second head sprouting from my back. She recommended hot compresses and waiting it out.

The news flash on hot flashes

For those of you (read men) who have never experienced a hot flash, let me tell you, it is like getting punched and pulled at the same time. Apparently my "hormone therapy" pills, that I am supposed to take for the next 5 years, cause hot flashes. Or, if they don't cause them, they certainly make the experience more intense. It is like a lave flow that starts somewhere in your trunk and moves to the top of your head. I don't know about anyone else, but I can feel them coming on and it makes me want to yell, "hang on, we got another one coming", every time it happens. I used to joke and refer to them as "power surges" and that is actually what they feel like. All I know is that if I didn't take my sleeping pill at night, they would be strong enough to knock me out of my bed. With the sleeping pill I appear able to sleep through most of them. Five years of this huh? Makes one wonder if the cure is not worse then the disease at times. Oh well, time to start researching a natural remedy for the hot flashes that don't manage to spike the levels of estrogen in my body that the pills work so hard to suppress.

Damn them!

As anyone with tomato plants knows, this has been a lousy summer for tomatoes. It seems it has not been hot enough to get the tomatoes to ripen. I FINALLY had one large beautiful looking slightly pink tomato that I have been watching for weeks now. I found it laying on the ground today. Those damned squirrels took a few bites from it and left it to rot. Damn them! Did I mention I now have the cutest looking baby squirrel begging for nuts as well as good old Chippy? It is the cutest thing. Apparently its mother never taught it to bury some of the nuts because he just likes to sit out there and eat them. Miss Kitty thinks it looks adorable as well, or is that tasty?

Fatigue. Lately I have been more tired then I recall being with chemo. It is not just a day or two once a week, but a long-term lingering sort of fatigue that seems to take me over. I am desperately trying to decide if this is some sort of mild depression, being jobless and all, but I don't think it is because as many times as I was jobless in the past, it never manifested itself like this. Prior bouts of melancholy were more mental in nature and not really physical at all. I believe there is a huge difference between being lazy and being physically tired. Either way, I really, really, really need to get back to work.

What is it about men and finishing things?

I had my follow-up at Hines today for my tooth. The dentist stated that even though it had broken, it should be saveable. The partial root canal the dentist started two weeks ago was supposed to be finished today. Instead, they did a partial root canal, AGAIN! I have no idea what they did last time, except it involved drilling holes. This time, they took the broken portion of my tooth out and then drilled some more. I am waiting for them to call me to schedule a time to finish the job, but not holding my breath.

The best laid plans...

This was supposed to be the very first week in months that I had no plans, intentions or appointments at the VA. Wrong! On Thursday afternoon, I broke the tooth that had a partial root canal done 2 weeks ago. I was able to make an appointment for Friday morning. Once at the dental clinic, they took an x-ray, or three, and informed me that I was not entitled to the care I needed, meaning a full root canal and a crown. So, my best bet was to come back on Tuesday and see the dentist who had done the partial root canal and see if he planned to maybe make the whole thing happen, if ya know what I mean.

My other option is the visit the UIC dental school clinic. They don't quote prices, but it is supposed to be much cheaper then a real dentist. The down side is that they require payment in full on the day of service. If I am going to lose my home for failure to pay rent, might as well be to save my teeth...LOL Keeping our fingers crossed the job come through in the next two weeks!

Wow, time flies.

I bumped into a friend on the street the other day who inquired as to whether I would be attending a friend's birthday celebration over the weekend. My response was one of surprise because I was convinced we had just celebrated that birthday no more then 6 months prior. When he insisted it had been a year, it hit me square in the chest like a ton of bricks. It HAD been a year almost since the first mammogram on Sept. 27, 2008.

The first mammogram was done on a Saturday morning at Loyola and I knew when they called me back on Monday morning at around 8:30 am for a follow-up mammogram that the news was not good.

I have now spent almost the entire last year with my head down looking a just the next step in the path and never once considering the amount of time or distance to the end of the race. I was focused solely on making it through each little ordeal and over only the very next hurdle. It was almost a month between mammograms and another month, almost, until the biopsy. Through both surgeries, chemo, and then radiation, I never once looked up to see how far I had gone or how far I had yet to go.

Last night, during a conversation with a stranger about the whole journey, I was asked if I had learned anything from all this or if this had changed me. I had to admit I had not really thought of much of anything except for surviving until the next step. I did learn that I could endure almost anything (think horrifying experiences with needle biopsy and MRI), and to try desperately not to panic or worry but to merely go along when times are really rough, but I supposed I should sit back and see if I really "learned" anything from this.

I guess time really flies when one is riding the gravy train. Now that I am finally looking up and looking forward, I need to set some life goals and work towards achieving instead of merely surviving. Today is the first day I don't have to worry about what next. What a long strange trip it's been.

DONE! and it is like a sunburn

I have FINISHED all 28 doses of radiation so I am finished with all of my treatments except for the next 5 years of Tamoxifen. I take 2 pills once a day for the next 5 years. It is an anti-hormone treatment for post breast cancer patients.

I am happy to report that I only started to feel like my chest was sunburned Thursday night. It was the first night in ages I went to sleep without a bra on for support. When I woke up in the morning, it was the first morning I still felt sore and my boob was still a bit red. I am still tired, but at least the sunburned part was kind enough to hold off until the end, and yes, it is the end. Last night my friend and I celebrated with pulled pork tacos and champagne.

Yes, really!

Yesterday I received a phone call from my landlord wanting to know why I told the building manager to show my apartment for Oct. 1. I told him I had NOT told the manager to show the apartment, as I understood I had a signed lease, but to do what he had to do to protect his own interests. The manager had told me that the landlord was not acknowledging my lease. The landlord apologized for the miscommunication and informed me he was glad I was staying. I was shocked by the phone call, to say the least.

Stupid me, I thought that was the end of the whole lease issue. Today the building manager called me to inform me he would be showing the apartment tonight at 6:00pm if that was ok. NO, that was NOT ok, the landlord already agreed I had a signed lease. I am sitting here chuckling, but it really isn't very funny.

It goes...

This last week of treatment has been a pretty quiet week for me. My friend has been kind enough to let me borrow her car a few days so my long commute is not every day and I just look at it as exercise and a chance to read.

The one thing I finally noticed, or rather, really paid attention to, is the fatigue. I find myself coming home from radiation and sinking into the couch after I am finished puttering around the house. By 8:00, I am half laying down and by 9:00 I am ready for bed. I figure that because the forewarned side effect of blistering sunburn to my chest area did not occur, that I was immune from any and all side effects. As I lay in bed last night, it hit me that I was not symptom free, but that I had just chosen to ignore the worst one. So, armed with that knowledge, I am cutting myself some slack and not beating myself up over the fact that I am not ready, willing or able to start training for a marathon.

Miss Kitty is home too!

I took the train to Narnia this weekend and helped with my mom and dad's 50th anniversary party. The party was great, I got to take home leftovers, and a good time was had by all. This morning my parents took me out to breakfast and then we packed up Miss Kitty. My parents were kind enough to give me a ride home so we are both back home where we belong! Miss Kitty is thouroughly bummed that her boyfriend Adam moved out without saying goodbye.

Oh yeah, the current prognosis

My mantra for the last few months was, "I may be jobless, childless, titless and hairless, but at least I am not homeless." In all the excitement about my potentially being homeless, I forgot to update how things were going.

Prior to my treatment yesterday, I was informed the radiologist wanted to see me. I told the nurse to grab him now because as soon as I was finished, I was out of there like shit from a goose. I was breaking out and running fast. The doctor examined me and seemed surprised that my breast was not more red and sunburned looking. It seems to be a dark shade of pink. He was also surprised that I was not in a bit of pain. I explained that it is sometimes uncomfortable sleeping on my left side, but I blame my hip for that. The only real side effect now is that it itches like crazy, similar to a mild sunburn. The nurse admonished me to apply the cream twice a day.

So far, so good, not complaining.

At home to stay and a big sigh of relief

As much as I would like to move and be in a place where I do not need to rely on a roomie to pay rent, I was actually relieved to come home and find my landlord had both signed the lease extension and given me a copy of the signed agreement. I am looking to show the place this weekend and Adam moves out tomorrow, so we shall see. I am ok for the month of Sept. so at least I am not going anywhere soon.

I have checked myself out of the ECC because I was finding that I was wayyyy too stressed worrying about things at home and not being there to show the apartment. I cannot find a roomie if they never see the place and I don't meet them. This means I commute the last week, but it beats having to have done this for the past 4.5 weeks. Besides, after all the work I put into getting back on track with the whole constitutional thing, the food was killing me.

The funny part of all of this is the cab ride home. I had called the American Cancer Society about a ride home from the VA today as I would have all my stuff with me. I was told he would be at the VA at 3:00. Shortly after 3:00pm, I received a phone call from the cabbie saying he was stopping for gas at Hollywood and Broadway and would be at the house in a few minutes. He was not happy to hear that I was still at the VA, but fortunately, they were able to send another cab and I was out of there shortly thereafter.

23 down, 5 to go.

A really REALLY?!? kind of week.

I was going to title this piece, "A need for sage advice or a moment of your thyme", but I decided to call it what it was.

Last Thursday, my landlord called to inform me that because I had not signed my extension agreement for my apartment, he was proceeding to find another tenant. I explained the entire radiation/nursing home/abscessed tooth situation and he said he was sorry to hear I was having a rough time, but he would consider my lease up as of Sept. 1. I told him I would look for the extension agreement and sign it and put it in the rent box in the building when I got home on Friday. So, reluctantly I signed the extension agreement and placed said agreement in the box. I can't really afford to stay without a roommate but I cannot afford to move either.

I love my apartment and while I moan about paying the rent alone, when you add up the costs to move, it might be easier and cheaper to stay put. Besides, I don't have the cash to pay another security deposit or pay for movers. Right?

Thinking this was all settled, as I had signed the extension, I was a bit unsettled, to say the least, when the building manager called me yesterday to inform me that they will begin showing my apartment immediately (meaning Wed.) for an October 1 occupancy date. I explained about the signed agreement and was informed that the landlord was denying he got it. I know that possession is 9/10th and the lawyer in me knows I will be ok for at least a few months, as they would have to start eviction proceedings to get me out, but it still makes me want to scream, "REALLY?!?" I will not be screaming anything as my jaw still hurts, but I am yelling it on the inside!

Oh yeah, and the Oct. 1 moving date is perfect to coincide with Jean's wedding date of Oct. 2. I will merely shake my head on this one. (singing) Should I stay or should I go?

God is a man with a sick sense of humour.

I have only had 2 people stop by who seem interested in the apartment. One guy likes to cook at home (A LOT apparently) and likes to use large amounts of curry. As Becky can tell you, not a fan of the curry and since the whole BC thing, less of a fan.

The other person only wants the place for possibly 1.5-2 months and apparently is not a fan of running water and soap. Do I take the bird in the hand, ie the smelly short-term guy, or do I try to make it another month hoping a job will come along? I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired and the tooth ache has me moaning and whining...I know, annoying at best and only feeling sorry for myself.

I have decided I am frustrated with having my hands tied 5 days a week at the home. Seriously considering doing the commute. Oh wait, that would cost money...LOL

Peace of mind and a countdown.

I had planned to try and host a dinner at my place for my friends this weekend, but considering I cannot chew anything, that plan is on hold. I will just have to have a done with treatment party in two weeks.

The peace of mind part is based on the fact that I have JUST ENOUGH in the bank to cover the rent for Sept. Because they are feeding me at the home, my food bills are almost nil. This will allow me to finish treatment and have a short window of opportunity to find a gig before I have to worry about eviction. I am interviewing roomies again this weekend so wish me luck. The landlord called Thursday to find my signed lease agreement and I explained I hadn't been home to see it. I am not too worried about the utilities, because as any single mom will tell you it takes at least 2 months before they shut them off...LOL

The current countdown is 18 done, 10 to go. I will be finished in 2 more weeks!

Oh the fun, oh the pain.

Apparently they never checked me back into the system when I returned on Monday so I wound up eating someone elses' supper. It took them an hour to replace the meal and he needed it much more then I did. I felt terrible.

Tuesday morning I was allowed to sleep in until 7:45, which was curious because the breakfast lady was always knocking at my door to tell me my breakfast was in the dining room. When I went to the dining room I discovered that there had never been a breakfast tray for me as they STILL had not indicated in the system that I was back. So, taking my hard earned bingo bucks, I went to the cafeteria and had a fairly decent veggie omelet and a large cup of real coffee.

Wednesday, I slept until 8:30 at which time I discovered I was in the system but that no one had bothered to come and get me. So, although I had had a tray delivered to the dining room, they had taken it away before I could get to it. Needless to say, I spent the last of my hard earned bingo VA bucks on another breakfast in the cafeteria. And then, the fun really began.

Having gotten myself back into the system and back on the meal plan, I was thrilled to run into the dentist to inform him that although I had an appointment to replace my filling the following week, the pain in my tooth and jaw had increased substantially and I was in a great deal of pain. Could he squeeze me in earlier? I was told to return at 11:00 am and they would take care of it then.

So, at 11:00am Wed. I was sitting in the dental chair. It took them about 20 minutes to find the Novocain and prep me for the drill. After questioning the location and the type of pain, the dentist then decided to x-ray the tooth. Turns out that in addition to needing a filling replaced, the tooth next to it is abscessed. I am now scheduled for a root canal next week.

The fun part is that, while the dentist gave me a dose of antibiotics to get me started, he never entered the order for more in the computer. When I bumped into him in the hall later, he said the nurses should be giving me a follow-up dose shortly. When said dose did not appear with my dinner time meds, the nurses informed me that there was no order in the computer, the dentist was gone, there was no dentist on call, and the on call doctor for the nursing home portion would not write me a new script without talking to the dentist to find out what he had given me and how much.

My second dose of antibiotics was at 11:30 on Thursday. Because I have new prescriptions that I do not have at home (to include the hormone therapy and now the antibiotics), I made sure I had all my meds with me before I left for the weekend. In my bag-o-meds, guess what was missing. Of course, the antibiotics. Having hunted down all my meds, completed radiation for the day, and having seen the doc...I busted out of there the second my sister pulled up!

The good news is that this all happened on their watch so I believe the root canal and possible crown are sans charge.

How could I forget?

The radiologist examined me on Friday and informed me that because it was apparent my left breast was taking on a pinkish hue, I was to rub it with cream every night and not expose it to the sun. I guess that means I can only flash them at night?

The hair issue

The hair is beginning to come back in and I must say I was lulled into a false sense of hope when it started to come back platinum blonde. My mother says it was the hair color I was born with and I was hoping this meant a do over for hair color. Alas, it is now officially coming in grey and white. I am starting to get eyebrows again and they too appear to be grey and white. There are a few hairs growing on my legs yet nothing in the armpits. The fuzz on my head is enough to warrant a washing now and then but it still takes only a swipe of the towel to be dry.

Of course, the first real hairs to come back were the black ones on my chin.

Fly away, fly away, fly away home.

I am home this weekend and with any luck, I will find a new roommate before I go back on Monday. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Things at the home are pretty much the same. This week we played bingo 3 times and I walked away from one game with $8 CASH! I stopped on my way home and bought a small steak and a bag of salad. I am good!

The smell

Oh the things you smell in the home. Some days it is worse then others and most days I don't notice it until I leave for radiation and then walk back in. This too shall pass.

The food

Speaking of passing, the food is killing me. It is hospital food at best and I am sooooo over mushy food. Most days I pick one or two things off the tray and offer the rest up to the guys I eat my meals with. On farmer market days I can cut up a fresh cucumber and tomato for lunch, and twice now I stopped at the cafeteria and picked up a salad from the salad bar, but aside from that, the stuff is pretty inedible. I have found myself compensating for the lack of anything that tastes good by stuffing myself with junk food. That has got to stop. I will look into scheduling my radiation earlier so I can stop by the cafeteria and use my bingo winnings for salad bar every day. I walk a mile to and from radiation, but I find myself getting more tired each day. 13 down, 15 to go.

The room

The entire building is freezing cold. While I do enjoy a bit of free A/C in the summertime, this is insane. I have to remember to bring a jacket or sweater back with me to wear inside.

I ran away!

...for the day. I took the bus to the Blue Line and then got off at Oak Park and picked up an Igo car for half the day so I could come home and catch up on things like mail. I am also able to get online at home so that I can actually accomplish things and print out my job searches.

This week is bingo heaven. Remember, it is NOT a game it is BINGO! I won about $12 last night playing and there are three more sessions scheduled this week. I may be missing lunch at the home today but I will not miss bingo!

Is that Mr. or Mrs.?

It seems that at the VA I am mistaken for a Mr. or called Mrs. For some reason, all of the nurses on my floor call me Mrs. Blythe. I finally stopped trying to explain I was not married and tend only to snap when they wake me up in the mornings. Oh well.

THE ROOM UPDATE

Apparently the roomie was checked into the main hospital for complications and they think she might be gone another week. I am not complaining and only wish her well as I know she was in a great deal of pain, judging by the time she spent moaning.

The room is apparently the coldest room on the floor and the A/C is cranked to arctic blast. In talking to a former occupant of the room, and based on the fact the tempurature did not change when the nurse adjusted the thermostat, it is what it is and it won't change. I should not complain as it is free and I like it cooler. That said, it makes it reallllllly hard to want to get out of bed at 7am to eat breakfast. My hats have come in handy!

Last night I lost cable in my room and it seems I am the only person without. Even the veggies have cable. First they bitch at me because I am never in my room and then I lose cable. One cannot win for trying.

THERAPY UPDATE

Of the 28 doses I have to do, I have finished with 8 doses. So, another 4 weeks and I will be finished. The boob is only slightly tingling, but I have been warned to hold on for the blistering "sunburn" that is to come. Thank goodness I will be able to go braless when it gets bad.

I AM BACK!

back online....:-)

I found free wi fi at the Loyola Fitness Center. It is a bit of a hike, but it allows me to check my email unfettered by the irrational spam blocking tools in place at the VA. The nurse at the desk was NOT happy with me when I informed them I was walking over to check out the internet, but unless she is planning to adopt me and pay my rent, it is a matter of survival of the fitest and fastest out the door.

THE SMELL

Well, the stench in my bathroom clearly indicates that my roomie is likely missing a bit and apparently we don't get our floors mopped unless we ask them to. The housekeeping guy is NOT happy that I have now asked twice. GET OVER IT, it is your job! Last night she had a colostomy bag leak....nuff said. We were up late as the nurse had to clean things up. Clean being a relative term, of course. I am tired this morning but thrilled to have found the free all access wi fi. Now I can effectively job hunt and keep up with the blog. I am SOOOOOOO looking forward to leaving on Friday and just need to remember to mention it when I get back so I am guarnteed a pass for the weekend.

How could I forget?

The aviary! On the first and second floors they have these floor to ceiling bird aviaries that house about a dozen colorful finches and a pair of doves. There are a number of babies inside as well and the whole thing is a hoot to watch. I can sit there for hours watching the birds.

The fun and games!

My first night there I was grabbed by about 3 guys wanting to know if I was going downstairs to play bingo. It seems that various veteran groups in the area schedule various events/activities for the vets and my very first night we got to play bingo! It was Christmas in July so instead of yelling bingo, one had to shout, "Merry Christmas!" One old fart won about 3 times and kept yelling bingo instead of the phrase that pays. You should have heard the screams of, "You are disqualified, you didn't say the right thing." And then there was the guy who wandered in who was not a resident. The villagers went nuts demanding to see his wristband to prove he was a resident and not some impostor. After attempting to scam his way into this high stakes bingo game, he was finally forced to surrender his card and walk away with his head down. I won $3 of VA bucks to use in the canteen for snacks!

Thursday morning I made the across campus trek to the farmers market on the North side of the compound. It wasn't much of a farmers market, but I was given 2 of the best peaches I have ever eaten.

Thursday afternoon I was again grabbed by my now buddy Jeff wanting to know if I was planning to attend the river boat ride in St. Charles. I told him I had not looked into it as I figured I was too late. He quickly informed me that Mary, who runs most of the activities, was looking for more people to go. I was finally able to locate Mary and was able to sign up. Apparently the VA has a large bus that accommodates wheel chairs that they use for outings and such. We left at 4pm and had a wonderful ride on the Fox River and a fabulous fried chicken dinner that couldn't be beat. We finally arrived home at 9pm and I must say, between making sure my roomie went pee BEFORE we tried to go to sleep and the long day of fresh air and sunshine, I slept like a baby.

Life at the ECC

THE PLACE

The Hines VA ECC is a geriatric nursing home. I am by far the youngest person there if you don't count the vegetables. Not a pretty word, but an apt description. The young guys live next door and across the hall and there is nothing there. The rest of the patients are either bed ridden, wheelchair bound or barely mobile. I am likely the youngest quasi healthy person there and it seems I am the most mobile. It is supposed to be a half mile journey from the ECC to the main hospital and I believe that. The nurses are always surprised when I tell them I plan to walk every day and not ride in a wheel chair. Although it isn't too bad, the routines may kill me.

So far I have been woken up at 3am to take my vitals and at 5:30 am to draw blood. Morning meds come between 5-6:30am and breakfast follows between 6:30-7:00 am.

It seems that you can opt to eat in your room or in the dining hall. I think that if you want to choose what you get to eat, you may have to eat it in the dining room. What I do know is that eating crappy food in bed alone while watching crappy tv is never as much fun as chatting up the old farts. Besides, it forces some of the patients out of their beds and moving.

THE FOOD

We are eating hospital food, nuff said. It is a matter of degrees of edibleness. I have yet to taste the elusive chocolate pudding and am already tired of canned fruit. People can choose to eat in the room or in the dining room. Breakfast in bed works for me but because I asked to be able to choose my meals off the menu, I believe I am stuck eating breakfast in the dining room and not in bed. Hell, I wear my jammies to breakfast. Most of the other men are wearing theirs, I figure fair game.

The food tends to be very bland, generally soft and they are not fans of fresh ingredients. I finally hunted down the nutritionist and now I am able to select from a menu every day except for the Ensure Plus I now have to drink twice a day for the protein. It seems that radiation burns protein calories?? I do find myself buying snacks at the canteen, which is almost all the way to the main hospital, so quite the hike. I keep telling myself that bag of chips is NOT worth the walk so I just stay home.

A typical breakfast includes frozen waffles, canned fruit, toast, margarine type spread, fruit juice a small thing of milk and a cup of coffee in a plastic cup. Most mornings we also get a small box of some type of cereal. The eggs are simply inedible. They swear they were not powdered eggs, but whatever they are, they are caca laca. The nurse jumped down my throat when I said I was hoping to lose a few pounds. Of course, this was before I saw a menu and realized that the mile hike to treatment and the food they were giving me wouldn't require any extra effort on my part.

THE ROOM

The beds are hospital beds and the pillows and mattresses are covered in plastic. Although they adjust, they are far from comfortable and I won't even start on the sheets and blankets. The rooms are double rooms with some rooms sharing a bathroom between the rooms. Because I am a girl, I was put in a double room with a non-share bathroom. The bathrooms are quite large and there is a sink both inside and outside the bathroom so when I am taking a shower, the nurse can still give my roomie a sponge bath. There is a locker for each patient and a dresser and nightstand for each person as well. I have a key to the locker but have been told by staff and patients that the locks don't mean anything as everyone seems to have a key to all the rooms.

THE ROOMIE

Got the place to myself my first night in and slept rather well. I about froze my ass off in the A/C, but grabbed a clean blanket off the cart in the hall and was warmer the second night. My roommate moved in during the day in Wednesday while I was running about to various appointments. When I came in to prep for supper she was getting out of the bathroom and there was an alarm going off from the wound vac machine she was supposed to have been hooked up to. The alarm was going off to beat the band. A nurse was called, she was reattached and the alarm was silenced, until an hour or so later when she attempted to do it herself and managed to forget to clamp the ends of the tube so that wound fluid poured all over the bathroom floor and the floor of the room. The next morning I made sure housekeeping was called to mop the floors, but by day two, the bathroom reeks again of pee.

My roomie is an older black woman who served during Viet Nam. I think she had a colostomy bag line installed and the wound is hooked up to the wound vac. While she is able to move, she has to disconnect her machine to do it. Needless to say, we got NO sleep the first night she was in. Last night I asked the nurse to let her go pee and then hook her back BEFORE we went to sleep. No clue how she made out, but I slept like a baby.

This was a first draft and just rough notes for those insomniacs who couldn't wait for me with a cup of coffee in my hand! I have now at least spell checked so it is a bit of an easier read.

The Answer!

No sooner did I get finished blogging my fears then the lady from the VA nursing home (ECC - extended care center) call me to tell me she had my answers.

I will be staying at the ECC because the rooms are nicer and food is served in the building. The ECC, unlike the HOPTEL (like a Navy Lodge or barracks), has internet service for its residents. I do NOT need to bring my laptop because I would not be allowed to access the internet on my laptop. Still not sure of all the details, but there is NO charge for staying at either facility. The ECC serves food in their building (not sure if it is in the room or dining room) and the HOPTEL requires you to walk over to the actual hospital to eat your meals in the cafeteria.

So, bottom line, no cardboard box and no hot plate :-)

No clue...

Tomorow is the big day and I am clueless. The lady called from the nursing home last week and said she was confused about where they were putting me....she was supposed to call me back but never did so I am going into this blind as a bat.

I also have to figure out if my only source of internet is the new starbucks about a mile from the VA. I am bringing the laptop and hoping for the best. I still need to job hunt and I have had a few nibbles on the roommate front.

I expressed my concern over the possibility of having to pay for lodging or food. If self pay is the only option, I need to start looking for a large cardboard box and a hot plate for my ramen noodles....LOL I received another bill from Loyola for the follow-up mammogram, but I am pretty sure that is a mistake and the VA is supposed to cover it. I will call Loyola today and try to get them to figure it out.

Tomorrow I have to check in and I have NO CLUE where they are putting me or what the deal is. This is the VA so God only knows....LOL

I spent the weekend volunteering for both IGo cars and for the Chicago Criterium. Apparently, because I was wearing a bandana, I forgot to put my hat on at times and pretty much fried my face, even though I was vigilant about trying to stay in the shade at all times. It isn't really sun burned, but it is no longer ghostly pale either. I had a great time and it brought back wonderful memories of helping others. I miss it and it saddened me to have to tell them that I had to take yet another 5 weeks off to finish treatment.

The Phantom Itch

Aside from the fact my feet still bother me, I have developed what appears to be a phantom itch. I will have an itch in and around my chest area and no mater how quickly I get to it or how hard I scratch, it doesn't do anything to abate the itch. It even seems like the itchy spot moves. I figure it is just a bad combo of internal healing and dead nerve endings, but man it is driving me nuts.

Last weekend

Last week, I received a phone call from Becky asking me if my computer and printer were up and running and I was thrilled to inform her that I was back in the 21st century. Becky asked me if I wanted to meet at the Evanston farmers market and then do lunch. I brought 1/2 a pound of bacon, purchased killer tomatoes and had one of the best BLT's I have ever eaten. After lunch we attended an afternoon showing of Harry Potter. It was a wonderful day AND I can't wait to hit the farmers market again as soon as I figure out the cash flow thing....LOL

New Stuff

Still haven't found a roomie, but I reposted the ad. With any luck, I will find someone soon. It will be hard to show the place if I am not around and while my current roomie might be able to show the place for me, it defeats the purpose of meeting the tenants before they move in. Have to make sure the personalities mesh if you are going to share a bathroom!

Miss Kitty is in love with my current roomie Adam and will jump off my lap to meow at the door the second he walks into the building and then runs to the door to meow. She follows him around the apartment and rubs up against his legs any time he stops. She is such a whore!

I have an interview today with a new temp agency and Holly rightfully convinced me to wear my wig. I am currently sitting at the public library killing time and will slip into the bathroom to put on the wig before I leave. The minute I am out of the building though, the wig is off.

I LOVE that I can now feel free to hop in the shower any time. I finally feel clean!

The saddest thing...

The saddest thing in my life right now is the fact that I have no one to go see the new Harry Potter film with :-(

OMG not again! & How could I forget?

Wednesday was a long ass day. I left home at 9am and borrowed Nikka's car to drive to the VA. I was doing fasting blood work so no coffee and no breakfast. I valeted the car and only left the VA at 10:50. I immediately drove over to Loyola (next door) and again valeted the car. I checked in at the breast clinic and grabbed my first cup of coffee and a muffin. At 12:50 I was informed the radiologist did NOT like the looks of the mammogram for my RIGHT breast and I was going to have an ultrasound done immediately. I called over to the VA to let Dr. B know I would be late for my 12:30 with her and waited for the ultrasound. At 1:50 I was informed the large troublesome lump was a pocket of fluid, likely from the removal of my port, and released. I retrieved the car, drove back to the VA, where I was then informed that I was free to eat whatever I liked, hence the hot dog and salad on the way home :-)

How could I forget to tell everyone that I am once again a tatted woman?? On Tuesday when they did the preliminary pictures for the radiologist, I was given 3 tiny dot tattoos. One dot in the middle of my boobs and one dot above each hip. Apparently these are the dots they use to line me up on the machine when they do the radiation therapy. What a total hoot. The actual tattoo I paid for wore off but these should last forever!

Back on fruit!

As of yesterday and per Dr. B. I am back on fresh fruits and veggies with no restrictions on my diet. On my way home I stopped at Portillo's and got a Chicago style hotdog (tomatos and onions) and a chopped salad. I may not have tasted it, but the food texture was heavenly.

I spent money I didn't have to buy a 3 pound bag of fresh cherries! I can't really taste them, but boy do they eat well. Now all I need to do is regrow the tastebuds so I can actually appreciate what I am eating.

Radiation Update

I am scheduled to start radiation therapy on Wed. July 29, 2009. I don't know exactly how long I will have to go, but it should be around 5 weeks. I CAN stay on the grounds at the VA M-F so I won't have to commute! WOOHOO! Miss Kitty will hopefully be spending quality time at camp Grandma and will love the 24/7 nature show.

Now that I know my therapy will be ending after 9/1, I really need to push to find a rommmate.

I may not make rent...

...and moving is not an option. I am NOT looking for help, I am merely venting my frustrations at my current situation. I am fully aware of the fact that this is the perfect time in my life to be unemployed, but it sucks to be dirt poor broke. I spent the morning at Child Support Services downtown yesterday and found out that because unemployment is paid a week after the two weeks you are claiming and because child support is due the first day of the week in question, I will always be 3 weeks behind in child support even though he has gotten every single penny he is owed.

What this means is that they are now sucking out my "delinquency" from my unemployment to make up the amount that the computer shows I owe. Also, even though the money is taken out of my unemployment check directly, because it takes a while to get to Child Support Services, I will always be behind in the eyes of the computer. I went out of my way to make sure I wrote checks for the first two weeks that unemployment did NOT suck money out, but I still show weeks behind.

I have posted an ad on craigslist for a 9/1 roomie and I have someone coming to see the place on Thursday. I know that everyone has offered to help me move, but the reality is that I won't have a security deposit and I would have to pack and move everthing only a mere week or two after finishing radiation, which I am told will kick my ass. I have my radiation mapping appointment this afternoon and will post the news as soon as I know.

So, pray for a roommate! I love my apartment, when it is clean, and reallllllly don't want to move.

Like I said, not looking for a handout or a hand up, just venting.

The best laid plans...

As it turned out, the radiologist cancelled my Friday appointment and my friend Nikka called me to say take her car. So, Michael did not get to ride the two train one bus gravy train, BUT he did go with me to the VA to get my pic line flushed and to update my medication information with the pharmacy. It wasn't walking my mile, but it was a baby step.

Tuesday I go to see the radiologist and Wednesday is the really big day. Wed. I find out if I am back on fruits and veggies AND they will likely take my pic line out, which puts me one step closer to taking shower like a normal person!

I had a great visit with Michael. We had many talks and I think he realizes now that I put my life on hold for the boys and that is why my career is dead. Just when I was putting myself in a position to get into the non-profit sector, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it put my life on hold AGAIN. We also discussed the fact that I feel I made a mistake in sending them to Japan and that after all those years of going it alone, it sucks that their dad stepped in as a super hero and that they all now treat me like dirt. I love my kids, I just hate what their father has turned them into.

A grand adventure

Tomorrow I have my appointment to do the pre-scan for the radiation therepy. They have to do a cat scan or mri to mark the area to be treated. I also have to have my picline flushed for what I hope is the last time! Michael will join me for this grand adventure and we will ride the redline to the blueline to the bus (aka the gravy train). I have to make the trip and could use the company. I think of it as walking that mile.

IT LIVES!!

My laptop is up and running at the house! I am BACK online and glad for it! I still have to work on finding an adapter so I can print at home, but that is the LEAST of my worries.

The family reunion was fun and exhuasting. It was only a few days after my last dose of chemo so it was a little rough going. I probably appeared rather stand offish to my family as I did not hug on anyone or spend any time crawling around with the kids. I was not snubbing anyone, I was just looking to avoid sharing germs! Virtual hugs and virtual kisses to all my family. It was good to see everyone and it seemed to do a world of good for dad to see everyone.

Family Weekend

I am looking forward to seeing the family this weekend! My Michael is coming up from Texas, by means of a very wonderful sister Amy, and I am thrilled to see him. After the whole shebang in March, it will be nice to just be able to sit and talk things out. Ian has "other plans", which translates into Ian is still not talking to me. Once again I regret my decision to let the boys go to Japan, but I guess I was tired of fighting with them and always being the bad guy. I blame no one but myself for being weak. I truly believe they would have been better off staying in Naperville. Oh well, spilt milk.

I am looking forward to a start date for radiation because a start date means a finish date! Five more weeks plus the waiting period!

Last dose, last dose, last dose!!!

I finished my last dose of chemo on Thursday and I must say I am relieved. The feet and hands are numb and tingly (like you walked all day and your feet are sore), but other then the general overall fatigue, I feel pretty good. I spoke to the doctor about recovery times and Dr. B said I should be back to eating raw fruits and veggies in as little as 2-3 weeks. I just have to buy things I can wash in soap and water for a while, which means no lettuce or other hard to really wash items. I am hoping to be back on track before the fresh cherries are gone for the season! It might take 2-4 months for the hair to come back but that is the least of my concerns.

Still no word on sleeping arrangements for radiation, but it is only 5 weeks and hell, I lasted 8 weeks in boot camp! I am scheduled for a mammogram, blood work-up and a follow on with Dr. B on July 15. Hopefully, I will be back to fruits and veggies and the mammo should be clear!

Overwhelmed...

This weekend I had a pity party for one. Friday night it poured and the wind knocked down half of the tree in front of the house. Between the storm and the city outside cutting the trees in the road up to let the fire trucks pass, it was a dark and stormy night. Saturday night, as I was getting ready to go to bed at 9:30, I smelled what I thought to be something burning on the porch. When I went outside to check it out, I came back in to discover the power was out. Going outside, it was obvious that the power was out for blocks. So, it was a dark and not stormy night but I find it difficult to sleep without my fan going so it was another rough evening.

For those who don't know, my desktop computer crashed. I was thrilled I had the laptop for back-up, but the laptop does not want to acknowledge the existence of the internet. I want to say the wi fi card is missing(?) and every time I try to boot up the wi fi, the system reboots. I tried plugging it into the external modem so it could use my broadband connection, but it seems my laptop is only acknowledging the existence of wi fi and dial-up. So, I am at the library typing this to try and stay in touch.

It also seems that the paperwork I sent to Cleveland, which I was told I would need to send after waiting on hold forever to speak to a live person, to start my share of Cliff's retirement, was not the correct paperwork so that could now take months to work out.

This week is my last dose of chemo and I am planning to spend it alone. I have tolerated the last few doses of the new chemo and after the last weekend, I don't know that I am up to hosting "help" for the weekend....LOL

About 4 weeks after my last dose, I have to start radiation therapy. This involves going to the VA 5 days a week for 5 weeks. I have no car and the trip is about 2-2.5 hours each way on public transportation. I am supposed to be able to check into the nursing home on the grounds but was recently informed that I might not qualify.

My lease is up on Sept. 1 and unless I can find another roommate, I have to move as I cannot afford the place on my own. The thought of moving right after I finish all my therapy is in and of itself overwhelming.

Add up the jobless situation, chemo, radiation, retirement, no car, broke and probably having to pack and move very soon, and you can see where I might feel a bit overwhelmed. It seems that everything I could do to help, i.e. job hunt, apartment hunt, etc., could be done online, but it is hard to do it in the 60 minutes a day I have at the public library.

It never rains...

Well, where to start? Tim from England spent the weekend and dragged me out for a walk or two. We managed to walk from Water Tower Place to Grant Park for Blues Fest and my legs are still groaning. He spent hours online to clean off my computer only to have the harddrive fail minutes before we had to leave for the airport. My laptop refuses to acknowledge the Internet exists, so I am typing this at the public library!

The doc was worried about the fact I was coughing up small bits of brown and yellow stuff so there was a chest xray yesterday. So far, no word that anything was found. Also, my liver function tests were off so I have to repeat my blood work on Friday when I go back to meet the new radiologist.

So, if anyone wants to talk, gotta call me!

An Update

Dr. B found me a new radiologist so I no longer have to see Dr. McCreepy. I have an appointment on June 19 with the new guy and we shall just have to wait and see. Another new development is that the VA has a nursing home on the grounds and for the 5 weeks I have to do radiation (and the consensus of ALL the docs and nurses is that radiation is a MUST) I can possibly stay in the nursing home on the grounds. Miss Kitty will have to spend 5 weeks at Camp Grandma where she will be forced to watch the wall-to-wall live nature show 7 days a week.....LOL

The up side is that I won't have to commute 2.5 hours each way every single day, but the down side is that for 5 weeks I will spend 5 days a week in a nursing home. The one bright spot is, being a vet with tits means a private room, more likely then not.

Dr. McCreepy & The wound

Totally unrelated topics, but I was posting, so hey, deal with it!

For anyone unfamiliar, I call the radiologist Dr. McCreepy. This man gives me the total heebie jeebies and creeps me out to no end. He seems obsessed with seeing and feeling my tits, both before and after surgery. He has never given me the break down of why I should or should not do radiation and never explained to me why I needed radiation after I had elected to do chemo. Every time I see the guy I walk away feeling like I need a shower. Amy can attest, the guy is a total ewwwww fest. It has nothing to do with the fact the guy is in a wheel chair, but the fact he seems to rarely wash his hands makes it worse.

After I told Dr. B (my oncologist) that I didn't see the need for radiation, she set me up with yet another consult with the radiologist. When I explained my theory about the fact that the site of the lump had been further cleaned out with the reduction surgery and therefore I saw no need to radiate that non-exist ant site, he simply said I was 25% more likely to get breast cancer again if we didn't radiate. I told him I was not up to another 5 weeks of radiation so my answer was no. He asked to exam me to check my lungs and heart and proceeded to stick his stethoscope under my bra. When he told me to loosen up my bra so he could see my breasts and, "see what he was going to be working with," I jumped off the table and told him my answer was no to radiation so there was no need to see my tits.

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. B yesterday and informed her that if my choice was to have radiation with Dr. McCreepy or not have it at all, I would rather do without then go back. I explained the radiologist made me VERY uncomfortable, without going into details, and she said she would work on getting me a different doctor. The problem at the VA hospital is that they almost never get a case of breast cancer so there are few options for "experienced" docs. My guess is McCreepy has no real experience either and isn't getting any at home!

While they were unpacking and repacking the wound on my chest from the removal of the port, the nurse explained that because of the chemo, it may take months and months to heal. That means months and months of potentially no showers......REALLY??!!

It bit me!

I have been feeding the squirrels on the ledge outside my window since I moved in. We call it, "The Nature Show" on "Cat TV". Miss Kitty loves to pretend she might actually catch one! She is such a wuss she wouldn't know what to do if I removed the screen! Anywho, it bit me. I know better then to put peanuts out on the ledge when the squirrel is around, but this guy outsmarted me.

This is the same squirrel who has been tapping on my windows for the last 3 weeks and usually he takes two, YES TWO peanuts in his mouth and goes away to bury or eat them. Apparently, the squirrel now puts them on the other side of the window that I cannot see and comes back to grab the rest of the peanuts. Yesterday, I found this out the hard way and he bit me. Scared the piss out of me, Miss Kitty and the squirrel. I bled it, washed it with betadine and put a band aid on it.

When I went to the hospital for chemo today they said the finger appeared to be fine and all the antibiotics would kill anything else he might have had going :-)
Needless to say, the little shithead will NOT be sharing my peanuts anytime soon.

Like the plague

While I was in the hospital, my father was dealing with an abscessed tooth and antibiotics that made him sicker still. Because of his age and health, they had to wait for the specialist to pull his tooth. Either way, it sucked to be him. One the day I escaped from the VA, my sister had come to see me and was surprised to find I was being let go. I ran as fast as I could for the door and she followed. Amy informed me she had to visit dad while mom was attending a birthday party for a friend that was out of town so mom would be gone for hours.

Amy inquired if I wanted to join her to see dad and I informed her it would be better if she dropped me off at home so she could spend unlimited time with dad. Amy called me later in the evening to inform me dad was rushed to the ER with what turned out to be shingles. I love my dad, but right now, I am avoiding him like the plague. The last thing I need is another infection :-(

How I spent my holiday weekend

As Becky reported in the last comments, she was called Thursday to rush me to Hines VA hospital as that thing in my neck was a pain in my neck, every pun intended. I had spent Wednesday at the VA seeing my oncologist and it didn't start really hurting until Wednesday night. OF COURSE it started hurting AFTER I saw the doctor. So, halfway through my laundry Thursday, while speaking to my friend Holly on the phone, I casually mentioned that the thing in my neck hurt. She very quickly asked if it was red and irratated looking, because she said, "Those things become infected all of the time." So, after rushing to the mirror to note the red line going from the neck almost all the way to the port in my chest, I called Becky to rush me to the VA.

One word I never thought I would hear a nurse say upon seeing the red line in my neck, "YIKES!" One look from the doctor and they were on the phone with xray to take the port out of my neck and to admit me for IV antibiotics. They drew blood and attempted to grow blood cultures. Long and short, I was kept from Thursday to Sunday. YES, I was able to ride that gravy train into 3 whole days of hospital food and round the clock nursing care. I should not forget to mention 3 whole days of mega antibiotics. While nothing grew in the blood cultures (meaning it had not spread to my blood), it did grow from the end of the cath in my neck, so apparently, I caught it almost immediately. GO FAST REACTING BODY!

I got stuck with a needle more times then a pin cushion and when go back on Thursday for chemo they will install a pic line (sp?). YEAH, more needles and poking and inserting. So, if anyone was wondering, that is how I spent my holiday weekend.

That thing in my neck

That thing in my neck hurts like hell. I don't want to complain because I am afraid they will want to take it out and reinstall it. Pooping was less disturbing than that whole process and that is saying a lot!

I also have a rash about the size of a baseball on my arm. I have no clue what is or is not an issue and I hate to keep running to the hospital like a baby. My feet and legs have started to truly feel like they "fell asleep" and they now tingle all the time in varying degrees of annoying. Of course this all started AFTER I saw the doctor so now I feel like an idiot.

I feel like I spend my days counting grams of fiber and worrying about pooping. That, and I feel like I spend my days counting the minutes until I can go to sleep. Napping on the couch is a normal thing, but I feel old and tired.

I will stop complaining now as there are tons of people that have it a ton worse then me. I just keep chanting 5 more weeks, 5 more weeks, 5 more weeks! I refuse to narrow it down to the days as it makes it too real. Being unemployed, I find it difficult to keep my mind off the whole process. I have been job hunting, but not too hard. As much as I like the idea of riding this gravy train, I can't help but think that while work would wipe me out, it would make the time pass more quickly.

Cramps and sprains

Cramps. I have cramps. I have not had cramps this bad since high school. I cannot decide if this is because I am being, I was gonna say "pushed", but I think it is more like being shoved, into menopause. I think they might be related to gastro intestinal distress. Who knows? Rhetorical question as my body is doing all sorts of weird stuff.

THANK GOD Miss Kitty appears to have only sprained her ankle last night. She fell off the sink and then slid off the toilet. She sort of limped around and acted dazed and confused. As broke as I am, I was willing to call the vet and see how much it might cost for x-rays and possibly a cast. As much as I say that she is, "just a cat", right now she is my best bud. She is up and frisky today and seems to be ok.

The new stuff

Before I get into the new stuff, I have to say that someone, who shall remain nameless, has stated that I am merely riding the "chemo gravy train" and I quit my job on purpose (it really ended, wanna see the email?) merely to collect my share of their retirement. I see my master plan has been found out, so I guess I should stop milking it...........LMAO

I did my first dose of the new stuff last week and I have to say it wasn't as bad, nausea wise, as the other stuff, but this stuff seems to make me more edgy, nervous, and sore from head to toe. The edgy nervous stuff might just be the triple shot of espresso this morning, but I really think that this is one of the side effects. My body is kinda achy from head to toe, and it hurts to sit or lay down as I can feel the creases in the sheets. I could be the princess in the pea, if she was bald and undergoing chemo....LOL

My appetite is still low but that comes mostly from the fact I cannot taste much of anything and I keep thinking, what goes in comes out.....eventually.

Ding dong,

The job is dead. Got the email from work last night and filed for unemployment today. I have never been so happy to be out of work. This will give me a chance to heal while not worrying about the rent. I will have just enough without unemployment to pay the rent for June and will be ahead then in July. A rough calculation says that between my unemployment and his retirement, he might wind up owing me a few bucks each month. Not my intent, just a bonus.

So it goes....

Certain issues appear to have at least subsided, but it doesn't mean that I look forward to each day's "adventure" in the bathroom. Nuff said.

The job appears to be dying, just not fast enough. While I appreciate the "days off", the rent must still be paid and there is no certainty to the income. Last week I worked exactly 10.4 hours....in one day. This week, it looks like there will be work for Wednesday and possibly Thursday and Friday. Considering I can work 1.5 of those days, it is not looking good.

That said, the math indicates if I am on unemployment, there is a good chance I will "break even" on child support or possibly be owed a few dollars a month. While it was never my goal in life to coast by on unemployment, there is something to be said for letting the body rest for a while.

I can afford to pay my rent on unemployment and depending on when the job ends, will be able to pay up all the utilities. I have very few "extra" expenses, and because I eat little that is fresh and not frozen (watermelon is realllllly working for me but I have to buy the baby ones and eat them in one day), I am living out of the freezer. Helps clean out the freezer prior to moving as well.

My last comment for this post is to again say THANK YOU to everyone in my life, and you know who you are, who have stood by my side and figuratively held my hair while I puked my way through chemo. Only one weekend of that so far and the next round of doses just makes your hands and feet numb and tingly. Something new and exciting to look forward to on this journey, and man, what a long strange trip it's been. Just have to keep truckin!

Food and poop

I have to keep reminding myself, even if it sounds like it might taste good, it all ends up tasting like rice cakes. Also, every single bite that goes in, must come out..........eventually, we hope!

I know I sound like a broken record, but it hit home hard this week, in more ways then one. I made tortillas and chili, cheese, salsa nachos last night. I toasted whole wheat tortillas so they were soft (no hard edges) and healthy. I topped it with chicken chili, medium nacho cheese and medium salsa. All I tasted was hot as it was just too spicy.

This morning I will consume a baby watermelon. The doc says it is ok if I wash it off with soap and water before cutting it open. It may not taste like anything, but it sure as hell will eat good!

BTW...

I totally heard Keith Olbermann in my head when I typed, "WORST WEEKEND EVERRRRR!"

Worst weekend ever! and other stuff

WORST WEEKEND EVER!
This was the roughest one. Poor JW and Lara felt helpless as I spent almost the entire weekend in bed. I threw up for the first time, but am thankful there was little in my stomach to let go of. I threw up Saturday and again on Sunday, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. The meds really help, but the mucus and overall feeling of having the flu (which thank GOD I haven't seemed to catch) make it rough on the body. I kept saying I do much better on the horizontal then the vertical....LOL I have lost another few pounds and slunk below the 200 mark. Wooohoooo I guess. NOT the way I recommend to diet.

So, it was the worst of the worst as to chemo. Lara and JW were both uber attentive and made sure I wanted for nothing. I feel bad for those doing chemo duty as all I have to do is sleep and pee and push fluids. The day after Holly had duty I wound up being checked into the hospital because they sent me home with not enough nausea meds. Trust me, it is nothing that anyone does or does not do, it is simply my body rebelling, but it has to suck to be the watcher.

NO SUCH THING AS ISSUE RESOLVED!
Let's just say I spent an agonizing 2.5 hours ish on the toilet Monday. Fortunately I had decided I was not up to going to work and was able to deal with the agony at home alone, well, alone after I kicked Lara and JW out to go visit his mom....LOL Poor JW wanted to know what he could possibly do to help and Lara simply told him, leave her alone with the phone near her hand :-) Still working on that. The VA sent me home with 3 huge drums of "regular flavor" "fiber stuff". OMG, I now know what they do with the industrial waste from paper making!!! I would not feed that stuff to the enemy combatants in Gitmo!! I would, however, feed that to Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld :-)

HUMP DAY!
Today is my mid cycle check up and I am over the hump. If that last dose was the worst, then the rest of this should be a cake walk! Ok, a bad cake with crappy frosting and totally no taste walk, but you get the idea.

EATING RICE CAKES
Everything I eat pretty much tastes like nothing. I have taken to eating multigrain Cheerios because they are round and have no edges! That and the milk I put in it is pretty much it. Nothing else sounds good and NOTHING tastes like anything. Chemo kills the fast growing cells, which includes your taste buds. Drinking and eating food. That is what I miss the most.

I miss drinking!

Lara is coming to town this weekend and it brought to mind the fact that I miss being able to have a drink now and then. I don't really drink that much, never really did, but my I REALLLLLLLY miss my Friday night with the boys! I miss that glass of wine after a really rough day and I miss a good martini with dinner. Like I said, I rarely drink to excess but not being able to have a glass at all is just sad. My blood counts are such that with the new threat of swine flu and other nasty stuff, I just can't risk the exposure with the compromised immune system.

I will try to bring Lara and JW to meet the crowd at the evil tonight, but no promises.

Last of the nasties and comfortable shoes...

This is supposed to be the last of the "nasty, toxic cocktail doses" coming up tomorrow so I am battoning down the hatches and preparing for the worst. My friends are flying in from New Mexico and I told them NOT to breathe on the plane...LOL

(TMI ALERT) Having now gone two days in a row, and it being a bit less of an ordeal, I must say the advice of vaseline was worth it (and rubber gloves of course). When the nurse told me to do it I just said ewwww. When one of my best friends told me she tried it and swore by it, I gave it a shot. I draw the line at bare fingers though and invested in a box of rubber gloves. They also came in handy for handling raw onions to make roladen :-) I just find myself thinking that if I had more anal sex in my life, this whole thing wouldn't have been such a big ordeal....I KNOW....funny huh?

I love being beyond the age of truly caring about my looks. I am older, wiser, not a size two and can wear comfortable shoes. My feet are thanking me for switching entirely to gym shoes and the folks at work did NOT think I would actually need a doctor's note to wear them to work. For some reason, the consensus is that I am not faking it.

Like lemmings

I some times feel, and I have talked to two other cancer patients who said they felt the same way, that I am like a lemming. I find myself blindly doing whatever anyone tells me to do throughout this entire ordeal. I am told to stick my arm out to get poked for blood, to inject harmful chemicals/dyes, to perform procedures, and I find myself not questioning. If I were told that I was to wear copper wires from my ears, I would likely be walking around with copper wires.

I am told to take medications and I do. I have almost stopped reading the warning labels, except for the combo of sleeping pills, pain meds and sedatives they seem to have given me and appear to have given me permission to take. So far, I am only doing pain meds and sleeping pills to sleep. The pain meds because my boobs still really hurt at night and the sleeping pills seem to allow me to sleep all night without getting up 3 times to pee, which allows for better sleep. I mentally drew the line at taking the sedatives too, as they are supposed to help with the nausea, but just don't seem to mix.

I found myself leaving the hopsital after the last dose thinking I did not have enough nausea meds, but I also found myself not speaking up and asking, or rather demanding, more. Of course I wound up back in the hospital Monday when the meds I had wore out, but again, I was loathe to speak up. I have always made a list of questions to ask, but I find it almost too much trouble to ask. I am not giving up, but this battle got old very quickly.

The "chemo advantage"

They are starting a new contest at work to shed weight and I was quickly informed that I was not allowed to participate because my extreme lack of appetite and the fact I was losing weight without trying put me at too much of an "advantage" over those who would have to actually try and lose weight. It was good for a chuckle.

My feet

Got the whole nausea thing under control THANK GOD! My lack of taste when I eat and the thick mucus that seems to grow in my mouth are what are keeping me from eating more, but at least I try to eat healthy and I am actually eating.

My feet hurt like hell. The bottoms of my feet hurt to walk on and I am trying to determine if a) my socks are too thin, b) my feet are just raw, c) my shoes are too old and worn (an excuse for the 3 new pair of leather flats I bought ON CLEARANCE), or if the chemo is somehow messing with my feet. Who knows, but it is a head scratcher.

All about the updates

Ok, poopshoot issues appear to be pretty much resolved. Thanks to modern meds, it is not quite the issue it was. That said, it is still not a regular thing and at least I am not ripping a new one. My body is producing less because my entire diet has changed and not for the better. GOD I MISS SALADS!

The hair thing is still what it is. Got none, just stubble, but takes me seconds to shower and towel dry. I don't give a rat's ass what it looks like, I don't have to look at it. I have to admit, I pull my hat off at times for the sympathy vote, like when I need a seat on the L. Hell, hard enough to stand up, so if it gets me a seat, not like I am faking it.

Kids issue seems resolved pretty much too. The boys are talking to me and know better then to cut off the hand that occasionally sends them money. For Ian's bday he will get unlimited text messaging on his phone. Costs me $20 a month and I let him know that is what he was getting. Apparently, without unlimited texting, I am ruining his social life. Whatever.......LOL

3 down, 1 to go of the bad shit and then 4 of the not so bad shit. I am seriously reconsidering radiation as the thought of being nauseous for another 5 weeks just does NOT appeal to me. Besides, they took most of the breast tissue anyways, and there is no "target" left. It would be different if they had not performed a massive reconstruction, but this way, I say they got it all or chemo killed the rest!

Duuuuooooooh......can't eat that

I finally figured out that the vast majority of my gastrointestinal distress must be coming from the HUGE change in my diet lately. For lunch, I love a good Subway sandwich piled high with veggies or a good salad. I sit here thinking I want a sub from the tiny Italian place next door. I want fresh hummas and tabuli from the realllllly good middle eastern place at Belmont because I am leaving work early and have time to stop. Every time I get a craving I have to slap myself upside the head and moan, "DUUOOOOHHH, I can't eat that!"

The scarf thing.

You see more bald chemo patients wearing head scarves and hats then you ever noticed before when someone you know is going through chemo. People you would have ignored in a prior moment jump out at you and tug at your heartstrings. There is simply a "chemo look" that evokes a sense of pulling at the heartstrings that is hard to explain. I have been told I am extremely upbeat for someone who is currently battling breast cancer and chemo, but I say what are my alternatives? So, the scarf thing. I cannot even pretend to speak for anyone else, but I have my bald head covered because I AM COLD! The low blood pressure does not help, but I am simply feeling the temp on my bald scalp. I never realized how damned much hair I actually had, although my hair dressers bitched about it for years, until it was all gone. I don't mourn the hair, but dammit, I found a new love for hats!!!!

A new perspective.

After my second dose, I realized that I was a mere 1/4 of the way through the full course of chemo and I felt overwhelmed. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Due to feeling totally shitty (EVERY pun intended), I told the doctor I was about ready to stop just to make my body stop fighting me. She told me that there were 4 doses of the "bad shit" and 4 doses of the not so bad shit. She told me to think in terms of the fact that I was half way done with the bad shit and the last 4 doses would be a lot less nasty. When I came to realize that I was doing myself a disservice to consider the entire course instead of the two differant drugs, I felt better about the whole lot. But, I am also going to seriously rethink radiation and will have a serious heart-to-heart with both the oncologist and the radiologist. One day at a time and baby steps.

The first cut is the deepest...(TMI WARNING)

Ok, got the scoop on the chemo. The first 4 doses are the toxic cocktail that will make me more sick as they progress. At number 2, I am ready to about throw in the towel, as the constipation/ripping a new one/shitting a brick issue is more then just a metaphorical pain in my ass.....I KNOW TMI!!

So, the next two doses will be worse and after my tears yesterday at the hospital, they have decided to up my dose of anti-nausea drugs to include more of the good shit for a longer period of time. Fortunately, all my symptoms are chemo related and nothing is out of the ordinary. It sucked to be me yesterday after I went in for my regular between doses check up to have them check me in because my blood pressure was TOO low....LOL....I wish they would make up their damned minds!

This too shall pass like a reallllllly huge, jagged, nasty BM!

2 down, 6 to go

I have said all along this whole process is like Chinese water torture. It is not one large blow after another but a series of slow unsteady drips that are just enough to disrupt and upset. With each process, it seems like they have surpassed their ability to offend or insult or assault me. Each new process seems worse but in a different way. This whole chemo weekend thing is just another example. This weekend was not as bad as last weekend, and I give full credit to my mother for both making me some homemade chicken soup and then making sure I ate an entire bowl of it. Each time I think I have had enough, they come up with something new. One step at a time, one step at a time. This too shall pass.....like a kidney stone.

Just in time...

I picked up my wig on Thursday after treatment and apparently I could not have timed it more perfectly. The hair is officially falling out in clumps and I thank GOD I shaved my head so it shouldn't clog the drain. Speaking of clogging things....my parents almost had to call the plumber. EVERYTHING I am taking appears to be backing me up and it brings truth to the idea of "shitting a brick"! I KNOW, TMI!!

Pubes and eyelashes

I looked down on my desk yesterday afternoon and counted 3 eyelashes on my desk. When added to the 3 more that fell later, I took it as a sign. My scalp is beginning to "hurt" or tingle....so, picking up the wig on Thursday appears to be another case of perfect timing.

OMG it is just a freakin shower!!! Really??

When they installed (and that is about what they did) the porta cath on Monday, March 16, they told me not to shower for what I recall as about 3 weeks. When I went in for my first dose of chemo on Thursday, March 19, and I begged them to take the tape off the incision in my neck and chest, I was told not to take them off. Becky says I asked repeatedly about when I could take a shower and then told me, repeatedly, that I could NOT shower until Monday, March 23. FINE!!

So, being told to cover the bandages with a plastic baggie and tape for my first shower on Monday, I proceeded into the bathroom and my supply closet for wound care. I have become quite the expert as to the topic of wound care and have quite the stash of supplies. Armed with one quart size baggie and a roll of medical tape I proceeded to attempt, yes, attempt, to cover my sheer plastic surgical bandage so I could take my first shower in a week. All attempts to securely cover the bandage failed and I was forced to take the shower nozzle down and take a "bird bath" style shower that was far less satisfying then you could even possibly dread.

I came out feeling barely "clean", with a mass of sopping wet plastic and tape, trying to recall a point in my life where I was able to shower freely and unencumbered by surgical tape or bandages.

So, Tuesday, I wrote myself a reminder on a post-it note and carried it around all day with me. On my way home from work I stopped to pick up WATERPROOF TAPE! Armed with the aforementioned tape, I was hell bent on cleaning myself in a proper manner. So, once again in the bathroom, armed with plastic baggie and tape I proceeded to AGAIN cover up my surgical dressing so I could take a shower. Did I mention I was only attempting again? Apparently, waterproof tape does not STICK to anything, even itself. Picture one plastic baggie, one layer of waterproof tape, covered with a layer of NON waterproof tape, and peeling at the edges. I found a box of band-aids and 10 such items later, added a layer of band-aids to the mix.

My second attempt at a proper shower was not much more successful then my first miserable attempt at the feat. I mentioned to Becky that I seem to recall a point in my life where showering was NOT such a huge ordeal and she agreed that it was actually in her lifetime with me as well.....LOL

So, going to the hospital yesterday for my follow-up with oncology, I begged them to take the tape off and at least replace it and to PLEASE give me some freaking tape to take a shower with!!!!!! I was quietly informed that it was not necessary, the bandages were coming off for good, the wounds were "healed" and I was free to get up and move about the shower freely! Did I mention angels sang at this point? I stopped on my way home and purchased acetone polish remover to try and take the tape goo off my skin and was only milady successful.

Last night I took the best damned shower I have taken in years. I am still somewhat covered in tape goo, but I seem to recall a point in a previous life where my body was goo free.

Back at work

Well, I do believe that I can officially say that I have survived my first round of chemo. I was only "down" for one day on Saturday, but I have been told that the first dose is deceptive. I am tired and feel like I just got over the flu, and aside from the heartburn (will try acidopholis) I feel fair to middling.

Coming into work this morning I was greeted by my "pod mates" (we work in an office "pod") with a bunch of fresh flowers, a card, and a gift certificate for a spa day (tip included!!!!).

The next round of chemo is not for another week and a half and my roommate will still be there for that. After that next round, I am willing to admit I will need help. By "help", I mean someone to make sure I eat, take my meds and to refill my water bottle. I have spoken to mom, Amy, and both Holly's. It is only every other weekend so we should be able to all work this out.

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

I feel like crap

Well, I now know what they are talking about when they say you will feel like crap. It took a few days, but man oh man..........I feel like crap

The day after

Ok, the boys now belong to him, they are all gone, and I have lived to tell about my first round of chemo. I didn't say anything to the boys as we left the courthouse out of fear I might tell them how I really felt and how they made me feel and therefore, I would say things I would deeply regret. I felt it was better to just walk away.

Becky took me to the hospital yesterday and sat with my until my sister could arrive. I was in by 9 and out by 2:30 and they even fed me lunch at the hospital! It was edible, let's leave it at that. After picking me up, we drove to Oak Forest and I was able to pick out a wig that the VA will pay for. It looks almost exactly like my old hair, but I won't have to worry about cuts and color! I tried the hot blond but it washes out my skin so bad I look dead. NOT the look a chemo patient is going for!

Ok, how do I feel? I feel surprisingly good, with "good" being relative. I actually think I could go into work for a few hours today, but my roommate just keeps laughing when I mention it. I was sent home with all sorts of new friends in bottles and we are keeping the anti-nausea ones close at hand. I really don't feel that bad, but they say the first dose can be deceiving.