Pubes and eyelashes

I looked down on my desk yesterday afternoon and counted 3 eyelashes on my desk. When added to the 3 more that fell later, I took it as a sign. My scalp is beginning to "hurt" or tingle....so, picking up the wig on Thursday appears to be another case of perfect timing.

OMG it is just a freakin shower!!! Really??

When they installed (and that is about what they did) the porta cath on Monday, March 16, they told me not to shower for what I recall as about 3 weeks. When I went in for my first dose of chemo on Thursday, March 19, and I begged them to take the tape off the incision in my neck and chest, I was told not to take them off. Becky says I asked repeatedly about when I could take a shower and then told me, repeatedly, that I could NOT shower until Monday, March 23. FINE!!

So, being told to cover the bandages with a plastic baggie and tape for my first shower on Monday, I proceeded into the bathroom and my supply closet for wound care. I have become quite the expert as to the topic of wound care and have quite the stash of supplies. Armed with one quart size baggie and a roll of medical tape I proceeded to attempt, yes, attempt, to cover my sheer plastic surgical bandage so I could take my first shower in a week. All attempts to securely cover the bandage failed and I was forced to take the shower nozzle down and take a "bird bath" style shower that was far less satisfying then you could even possibly dread.

I came out feeling barely "clean", with a mass of sopping wet plastic and tape, trying to recall a point in my life where I was able to shower freely and unencumbered by surgical tape or bandages.

So, Tuesday, I wrote myself a reminder on a post-it note and carried it around all day with me. On my way home from work I stopped to pick up WATERPROOF TAPE! Armed with the aforementioned tape, I was hell bent on cleaning myself in a proper manner. So, once again in the bathroom, armed with plastic baggie and tape I proceeded to AGAIN cover up my surgical dressing so I could take a shower. Did I mention I was only attempting again? Apparently, waterproof tape does not STICK to anything, even itself. Picture one plastic baggie, one layer of waterproof tape, covered with a layer of NON waterproof tape, and peeling at the edges. I found a box of band-aids and 10 such items later, added a layer of band-aids to the mix.

My second attempt at a proper shower was not much more successful then my first miserable attempt at the feat. I mentioned to Becky that I seem to recall a point in my life where showering was NOT such a huge ordeal and she agreed that it was actually in her lifetime with me as well.....LOL

So, going to the hospital yesterday for my follow-up with oncology, I begged them to take the tape off and at least replace it and to PLEASE give me some freaking tape to take a shower with!!!!!! I was quietly informed that it was not necessary, the bandages were coming off for good, the wounds were "healed" and I was free to get up and move about the shower freely! Did I mention angels sang at this point? I stopped on my way home and purchased acetone polish remover to try and take the tape goo off my skin and was only milady successful.

Last night I took the best damned shower I have taken in years. I am still somewhat covered in tape goo, but I seem to recall a point in a previous life where my body was goo free.

Back at work

Well, I do believe that I can officially say that I have survived my first round of chemo. I was only "down" for one day on Saturday, but I have been told that the first dose is deceptive. I am tired and feel like I just got over the flu, and aside from the heartburn (will try acidopholis) I feel fair to middling.

Coming into work this morning I was greeted by my "pod mates" (we work in an office "pod") with a bunch of fresh flowers, a card, and a gift certificate for a spa day (tip included!!!!).

The next round of chemo is not for another week and a half and my roommate will still be there for that. After that next round, I am willing to admit I will need help. By "help", I mean someone to make sure I eat, take my meds and to refill my water bottle. I have spoken to mom, Amy, and both Holly's. It is only every other weekend so we should be able to all work this out.

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

I feel like crap

Well, I now know what they are talking about when they say you will feel like crap. It took a few days, but man oh man..........I feel like crap

The day after

Ok, the boys now belong to him, they are all gone, and I have lived to tell about my first round of chemo. I didn't say anything to the boys as we left the courthouse out of fear I might tell them how I really felt and how they made me feel and therefore, I would say things I would deeply regret. I felt it was better to just walk away.

Becky took me to the hospital yesterday and sat with my until my sister could arrive. I was in by 9 and out by 2:30 and they even fed me lunch at the hospital! It was edible, let's leave it at that. After picking me up, we drove to Oak Forest and I was able to pick out a wig that the VA will pay for. It looks almost exactly like my old hair, but I won't have to worry about cuts and color! I tried the hot blond but it washes out my skin so bad I look dead. NOT the look a chemo patient is going for!

Ok, how do I feel? I feel surprisingly good, with "good" being relative. I actually think I could go into work for a few hours today, but my roommate just keeps laughing when I mention it. I was sent home with all sorts of new friends in bottles and we are keeping the anti-nausea ones close at hand. I really don't feel that bad, but they say the first dose can be deceiving.

One demon at a time

Now that the boys have both informed me that because their father has a house, cars, dogs, a happy marriage and all their stuff in Texas, they will be happy in Texas so staying with a loser like me would deny them their God given right to be happy. Yes, these sorts of things were actually said to me. Yes, they conspired to rip me to pieces in court on Monday, and YES, they are happy to be going to live with their father. I have decided that I can only battle one demon at a time so they will be leaving with their father after court today. I will be back at work this afternoon to get as many hours in as possible before getting my first dose of chemo tomorrow.

The sad thing is, I am realllllllllllly looking forward to the chemo so I will have a totally valid excuse to a) feel as bad physically as I do emotionally, and b) lay in bed or on the couch all weekend and do nothing.

I hope that Cliff is proud of himself for the emotional beating I have suffered. He is a true man if he can beat down a woman with breast cancer about to undergo chemo. He has taught his sons a valuable lesson. Life is all about what they want.

Ok, the CAT was not the worst thing they have done to me....

It started last night at 10:52 pm when Cliff showed up at my doorstep asking to speak to the boys. Becky explained they were due home any moment and he then left. The boys arrived home shortly thereafter, and spent the night. When Becky awoke this morning, she discovered the boys had gone. A phone call confirmed they were with their dad and headed to court.

Cliff showed up in court, with an attorney and contesting custody. After letting the clerk know he was there, the attorney proceeded to disapear and not return until 11:30. The judge was pissed and took it all out on me for not having an agreed order. When he attempted to set it for a hearing at 1:30 pm, I explained my appointments at the VA to have the port installed in my next and chest. When he then insisted we conduct the hearing on Thursday and I informed him I was due to start chemo that day, he finally agreed to hold the custody hearing on Wednesday in the afternoon. I left the court in tears and because I had been fasting prior to surgery, not very happy with life.

I finally left the VA hospital at 5:00pm after they inserted the port. It was all done while I was conscious and only under a local. It was painful, uncomfortable and very disturbing. Needless to say, my mother took one look at me and called Cliff and told him to deal with the boys she was taking me home. She then proceeded to call Becky and tell her the deal and that I would call her in the morning. Did I mention they stuck me with three differant heplocks in addition the the new holes they cut in my neck and chest? I look and feel like hell and am actually looking forward to not getting out of bed with chemo as an excuse for the weekend.

Chemo days and chemo nights....

I have heard from a reliable source (read Becky's mom), that I will likely be down on average 2-4 days including the day of dosing. Like the proverbial, "it depends," each person reacts differently to the dosing. What I do know is that I have entered all of the dates onto my calender and my life will now revolve around "chemo days/chemo weekends". The doc was kind enough to schedule doses on Thursdays to give me a 4 day weekend to recoup, but I am now starting to plan things like family events on a non-chemo weekend basis.

As the iron chef would say, "Let the battle begin!"

On Monday, I am scheduled for a full day at the VA hospital. I will have a bone scan done, a heart image done and a shunt installed for chemotherapy. My first dose of chemo starts next Thursday and will proceed once a week every other week. The oncologist has scheduled the doses for Thursdays so I can take the weekend off and only miss 2 days of work a week every other week.

I will be starting on one kind for 4 doses and then switching to a differant kind for the last 4 doses so it should take 16 weeks. I have been told I will likely lose my hair, so I am REALLLLY glad I decided not to spend the $175 on a new cut and complete color job! Think of the time I will save on haircare! The folks who share my "pod" at work are already planning "Topper Tuesdays" in which whatever they bring for me to wear that day, I have to wear it all day at work (think foam cheese head).

I have no clue how much this will suck, but I do know it likely means I will not be out on another Friday night (after this Friday of course) for a very long time. So, I would hope to be able to host a few pot luck Sunday dinners for my friends so I am stuck at home with just the boys to give me crap :-)

Batten down the hatches!!

The boys are due in Thursday, March 12 at 3:50 PM at O'Hare airport. Believe it or not, I have actually been given slightly more then 48 hours notice so I am passing this info along to my friends as a courtesy. Hide your car keys, lock your liquor cabinets and put a padlock on the fridge if you plan to have them over to your house. I cannot wait til they get home and I am sure they are actually looking forward to being back in the good old USA.

6 days and a wake up.....ALLEGEDLY!

Not holding my breath, but it appears that the boys should be home by this time next week. Still not a peep on date, time, flight number or possible airport....ya know, the details...silly stuff

The 10th is when the boys are due and the 11th is when I talk to Oncology about the new game plan....ALLEGEDLY!! Been here, done this, the answer has changed and still no closer to a game plan for chemo or not.

As for moving, I am thinking that we should wait til June and then find a 3br place in Evanston close to the HS for the boys and close to the train for me. Both doable and not much more then I am paying now. Child support will pay the rent, as it should, and I can finally start repaying my student loans. Also, the boys are chomping at the bit to get behind the wheel....I guess teenagers in this country still consider it a god given right and not a privilege....LOL