Last of the nasties and comfortable shoes...

This is supposed to be the last of the "nasty, toxic cocktail doses" coming up tomorrow so I am battoning down the hatches and preparing for the worst. My friends are flying in from New Mexico and I told them NOT to breathe on the plane...LOL

(TMI ALERT) Having now gone two days in a row, and it being a bit less of an ordeal, I must say the advice of vaseline was worth it (and rubber gloves of course). When the nurse told me to do it I just said ewwww. When one of my best friends told me she tried it and swore by it, I gave it a shot. I draw the line at bare fingers though and invested in a box of rubber gloves. They also came in handy for handling raw onions to make roladen :-) I just find myself thinking that if I had more anal sex in my life, this whole thing wouldn't have been such a big ordeal....I KNOW....funny huh?

I love being beyond the age of truly caring about my looks. I am older, wiser, not a size two and can wear comfortable shoes. My feet are thanking me for switching entirely to gym shoes and the folks at work did NOT think I would actually need a doctor's note to wear them to work. For some reason, the consensus is that I am not faking it.

Like lemmings

I some times feel, and I have talked to two other cancer patients who said they felt the same way, that I am like a lemming. I find myself blindly doing whatever anyone tells me to do throughout this entire ordeal. I am told to stick my arm out to get poked for blood, to inject harmful chemicals/dyes, to perform procedures, and I find myself not questioning. If I were told that I was to wear copper wires from my ears, I would likely be walking around with copper wires.

I am told to take medications and I do. I have almost stopped reading the warning labels, except for the combo of sleeping pills, pain meds and sedatives they seem to have given me and appear to have given me permission to take. So far, I am only doing pain meds and sleeping pills to sleep. The pain meds because my boobs still really hurt at night and the sleeping pills seem to allow me to sleep all night without getting up 3 times to pee, which allows for better sleep. I mentally drew the line at taking the sedatives too, as they are supposed to help with the nausea, but just don't seem to mix.

I found myself leaving the hopsital after the last dose thinking I did not have enough nausea meds, but I also found myself not speaking up and asking, or rather demanding, more. Of course I wound up back in the hospital Monday when the meds I had wore out, but again, I was loathe to speak up. I have always made a list of questions to ask, but I find it almost too much trouble to ask. I am not giving up, but this battle got old very quickly.

The "chemo advantage"

They are starting a new contest at work to shed weight and I was quickly informed that I was not allowed to participate because my extreme lack of appetite and the fact I was losing weight without trying put me at too much of an "advantage" over those who would have to actually try and lose weight. It was good for a chuckle.

My feet

Got the whole nausea thing under control THANK GOD! My lack of taste when I eat and the thick mucus that seems to grow in my mouth are what are keeping me from eating more, but at least I try to eat healthy and I am actually eating.

My feet hurt like hell. The bottoms of my feet hurt to walk on and I am trying to determine if a) my socks are too thin, b) my feet are just raw, c) my shoes are too old and worn (an excuse for the 3 new pair of leather flats I bought ON CLEARANCE), or if the chemo is somehow messing with my feet. Who knows, but it is a head scratcher.

All about the updates

Ok, poopshoot issues appear to be pretty much resolved. Thanks to modern meds, it is not quite the issue it was. That said, it is still not a regular thing and at least I am not ripping a new one. My body is producing less because my entire diet has changed and not for the better. GOD I MISS SALADS!

The hair thing is still what it is. Got none, just stubble, but takes me seconds to shower and towel dry. I don't give a rat's ass what it looks like, I don't have to look at it. I have to admit, I pull my hat off at times for the sympathy vote, like when I need a seat on the L. Hell, hard enough to stand up, so if it gets me a seat, not like I am faking it.

Kids issue seems resolved pretty much too. The boys are talking to me and know better then to cut off the hand that occasionally sends them money. For Ian's bday he will get unlimited text messaging on his phone. Costs me $20 a month and I let him know that is what he was getting. Apparently, without unlimited texting, I am ruining his social life. Whatever.......LOL

3 down, 1 to go of the bad shit and then 4 of the not so bad shit. I am seriously reconsidering radiation as the thought of being nauseous for another 5 weeks just does NOT appeal to me. Besides, they took most of the breast tissue anyways, and there is no "target" left. It would be different if they had not performed a massive reconstruction, but this way, I say they got it all or chemo killed the rest!

Duuuuooooooh......can't eat that

I finally figured out that the vast majority of my gastrointestinal distress must be coming from the HUGE change in my diet lately. For lunch, I love a good Subway sandwich piled high with veggies or a good salad. I sit here thinking I want a sub from the tiny Italian place next door. I want fresh hummas and tabuli from the realllllly good middle eastern place at Belmont because I am leaving work early and have time to stop. Every time I get a craving I have to slap myself upside the head and moan, "DUUOOOOHHH, I can't eat that!"

The scarf thing.

You see more bald chemo patients wearing head scarves and hats then you ever noticed before when someone you know is going through chemo. People you would have ignored in a prior moment jump out at you and tug at your heartstrings. There is simply a "chemo look" that evokes a sense of pulling at the heartstrings that is hard to explain. I have been told I am extremely upbeat for someone who is currently battling breast cancer and chemo, but I say what are my alternatives? So, the scarf thing. I cannot even pretend to speak for anyone else, but I have my bald head covered because I AM COLD! The low blood pressure does not help, but I am simply feeling the temp on my bald scalp. I never realized how damned much hair I actually had, although my hair dressers bitched about it for years, until it was all gone. I don't mourn the hair, but dammit, I found a new love for hats!!!!

A new perspective.

After my second dose, I realized that I was a mere 1/4 of the way through the full course of chemo and I felt overwhelmed. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Due to feeling totally shitty (EVERY pun intended), I told the doctor I was about ready to stop just to make my body stop fighting me. She told me that there were 4 doses of the "bad shit" and 4 doses of the not so bad shit. She told me to think in terms of the fact that I was half way done with the bad shit and the last 4 doses would be a lot less nasty. When I came to realize that I was doing myself a disservice to consider the entire course instead of the two differant drugs, I felt better about the whole lot. But, I am also going to seriously rethink radiation and will have a serious heart-to-heart with both the oncologist and the radiologist. One day at a time and baby steps.

The first cut is the deepest...(TMI WARNING)

Ok, got the scoop on the chemo. The first 4 doses are the toxic cocktail that will make me more sick as they progress. At number 2, I am ready to about throw in the towel, as the constipation/ripping a new one/shitting a brick issue is more then just a metaphorical pain in my ass.....I KNOW TMI!!

So, the next two doses will be worse and after my tears yesterday at the hospital, they have decided to up my dose of anti-nausea drugs to include more of the good shit for a longer period of time. Fortunately, all my symptoms are chemo related and nothing is out of the ordinary. It sucked to be me yesterday after I went in for my regular between doses check up to have them check me in because my blood pressure was TOO low....LOL....I wish they would make up their damned minds!

This too shall pass like a reallllllly huge, jagged, nasty BM!

2 down, 6 to go

I have said all along this whole process is like Chinese water torture. It is not one large blow after another but a series of slow unsteady drips that are just enough to disrupt and upset. With each process, it seems like they have surpassed their ability to offend or insult or assault me. Each new process seems worse but in a different way. This whole chemo weekend thing is just another example. This weekend was not as bad as last weekend, and I give full credit to my mother for both making me some homemade chicken soup and then making sure I ate an entire bowl of it. Each time I think I have had enough, they come up with something new. One step at a time, one step at a time. This too shall pass.....like a kidney stone.

Just in time...

I picked up my wig on Thursday after treatment and apparently I could not have timed it more perfectly. The hair is officially falling out in clumps and I thank GOD I shaved my head so it shouldn't clog the drain. Speaking of clogging things....my parents almost had to call the plumber. EVERYTHING I am taking appears to be backing me up and it brings truth to the idea of "shitting a brick"! I KNOW, TMI!!