Like lemmings

I some times feel, and I have talked to two other cancer patients who said they felt the same way, that I am like a lemming. I find myself blindly doing whatever anyone tells me to do throughout this entire ordeal. I am told to stick my arm out to get poked for blood, to inject harmful chemicals/dyes, to perform procedures, and I find myself not questioning. If I were told that I was to wear copper wires from my ears, I would likely be walking around with copper wires.

I am told to take medications and I do. I have almost stopped reading the warning labels, except for the combo of sleeping pills, pain meds and sedatives they seem to have given me and appear to have given me permission to take. So far, I am only doing pain meds and sleeping pills to sleep. The pain meds because my boobs still really hurt at night and the sleeping pills seem to allow me to sleep all night without getting up 3 times to pee, which allows for better sleep. I mentally drew the line at taking the sedatives too, as they are supposed to help with the nausea, but just don't seem to mix.

I found myself leaving the hopsital after the last dose thinking I did not have enough nausea meds, but I also found myself not speaking up and asking, or rather demanding, more. Of course I wound up back in the hospital Monday when the meds I had wore out, but again, I was loathe to speak up. I have always made a list of questions to ask, but I find it almost too much trouble to ask. I am not giving up, but this battle got old very quickly.