I bumped into a friend on the street the other day who inquired as to whether I would be attending a friend's birthday celebration over the weekend. My response was one of surprise because I was convinced we had just celebrated that birthday no more then 6 months prior. When he insisted it had been a year, it hit me square in the chest like a ton of bricks. It HAD been a year almost since the first mammogram on Sept. 27, 2008.
The first mammogram was done on a Saturday morning at Loyola and I knew when they called me back on Monday morning at around 8:30 am for a follow-up mammogram that the news was not good.
I have now spent almost the entire last year with my head down looking a just the next step in the path and never once considering the amount of time or distance to the end of the race. I was focused solely on making it through each little ordeal and over only the very next hurdle. It was almost a month between mammograms and another month, almost, until the biopsy. Through both surgeries, chemo, and then radiation, I never once looked up to see how far I had gone or how far I had yet to go.
Last night, during a conversation with a stranger about the whole journey, I was asked if I had learned anything from all this or if this had changed me. I had to admit I had not really thought of much of anything except for surviving until the next step. I did learn that I could endure almost anything (think horrifying experiences with needle biopsy and MRI), and to try desperately not to panic or worry but to merely go along when times are really rough, but I supposed I should sit back and see if I really "learned" anything from this.
I guess time really flies when one is riding the gravy train. Now that I am finally looking up and looking forward, I need to set some life goals and work towards achieving instead of merely surviving. Today is the first day I don't have to worry about what next. What a long strange trip it's been.
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2 comments:
You know what they say ... what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. But I already knew, in my heart, that you WERE strong and you WOULD make it ... because you ARE a survivor. But you are right. You are also MORE than a survivor. The "surviving" phase of your life may have turned toward a goal/achievement phase ... and THAT is something to look forward to! Your strength and perseverance truly amazed me, especially with so many obstacles in front of you. I am happy that you will now be able to garner all that internal strength and focus on new, more positive challenges. Love ya, Babe!
Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what the lessons might have been. And now you have the time and space to look up and around again. Congratulations!
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