Breast Cancer "To Do" List

When I received the call, it was early in the morning. So, at about 8:30am ish on or about October 1, 2008, Loyola hospital called me to tell me that they had found lumps in my mammogram and I was being recalled for a new set of images. I gave myself the day to cry, grieve, sulk and lay in bed. After that, it is what it is and I had to starting dealing with the big, giant what if's. One thing that became very clear from the beginning was that no matter how tired my body was, the minute I closed my eyes, the running dialogue of all the things I had to do started in my head. When I was actually awake, I could ignore it, but laying in bed at night, not a chance. So, here is a snapshot of the ongoing "to do" list my mind just keeps adding to.

1. OMG! Panic, freak out, cry, sulk, become a vegetable in bed for the day.
2. Decide who to tell and what to tell. Is there anything to tell at this point? Do I wait until the second series of tests? Because I have done this before should I do it alone again? What is that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that this time it is not a drill?
3. Start by getting the forms together. Living Will, Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, Will, etc. I am a lawyer, of course I thought about doing the legal paperwork...LOL
4. Realize you have too much shit in your life and start mentally downsizing. The buffet! What am I doing still owning that damned buffet? Do I tell my family about the cancer issue in an email announcing the first to come and get the buffet keeps the buffet?
5. My closets all need to be cleaned out. My dressers, don't even get me started. In what crack induced haze did I ever think I would be a size 12 again? The only time I was ever a size 12 was the 6 months of my life I had anorexic like behaviour.
6. The back porch is full of stuff in "storage" that I just don't need. I have GOT to clean that crap out. Start by donating all the suits and good clothes to a women's' charity.
7. THE BOYS! OMG, do I tell the boys?? If I tell Cliff to warn him, will he then tell the boys before we know what is actually going on?
8. THE CAT! What will happen to Miss Kitty? She will be homeless. I know mom and dad won't take her, but if I play the I'm dying card can I guilt them into it? I have to make plans to find someone to take custody of my cat!
9. The crap in my office. OMG that place is a sty. I should probably call one of those industrial shredding places to shred all my old client files.
10. THE COMPUTER! I should probably consider having my hard drive scrubbed. People send the craziest pictures...LOL
11. If I am going to die, will I be all alone? Will anyone be here to hold my hair? Or pluck the chin hairs that grow in?
12. I really need to clean my bedroom. It is rather messy and looks like a bomb went off.
13. I really need to mop the floors and scrub the bathroom.

Ok, I will stop at 13 as it just never ends. But, that is a small part of what I go through every night. I did find out that a glass or two of wine helps quiet the voices so I can get to sleep.